CJ in Equestria
by Nosfrat
Summary: Carl 'CJ' Johnson is a man no one wants to mess with. He went through a lot in his quest to save his family and rule the streets of San Andreas... but he was never prepared for what Equestria has in stock for him. M for language, and general GTA-related stuff (violence, adult stuff etc.).
1. Are You Going To Ponyville?

_Carl 'CJ' Johnson._

A man whose name strikes fear deep into the hearts of the inhabitants of the state of San Andreas. A man who went through hell and back, on a quest to save himself, his family, and the streets of his home town. Proud member and co-leader of the most powerful gang in Los Santos: the Grove Street Families, Carl Johnson fears nothing. He has seen and done it all.

In order to accomplish what no other man could, he fought gangs. He killed cops. He worked for, and against government agencies. He hit various businesses and places, including a mafia casino and two crack factories. He became a firefighter, a pimp, a vigilante, a pilot, a street racer, a cab driver, a paramedic, a courier, an errand boy for the Triad, a hitman for the mob...

If it exists, Carl Johnson has done it.

Prepared for everything, and fearing nothing, not even death, CJ certainely seems like a man nothing and no one can possibly stop. Nothing, and no one... except maybe what just happened to him.

The young gangsta woke up about an hour ago in the middle of fucking nowhere. Fresh, clean air... trees everywhere, and no sign of the trademark pollution, omnipresent in San Andreas. Wherever he was, CJ knew it wasn't home, or anywhere close to it.

The last thing he remembered was going to the Ten Green Bottles last night with a few homeboys. And, doing what every young man usually does when going to a bar with friends, CJ got shitfaced.

Completely fucking wasted.

So naturally, now sitting up in the middle of a dark, thick forest, Carl felt nauseous as the entire world seemed to be spinning around him. He clenched his head, somehow hoping that it would help with his pounding headache, a harsh reminder of what he did last night. Eventually managing to get up to his feet without tumbling or falling, Carl took a look around him.

Where in the fuck was he?

While he grew up in the ghetto, he did spend quite some time in rural areas. But never in his life had he seen grass that green, or bushes that neatly trimmed, especially not in the middle of the wilderness. Everything was so flashy and colorful, even the trees and dirt. Speaking of dirt, there wasn't a single stain of it on anything, and there was not a single fallen leaf on the ground. Did he get so wasted, he actually drove all the way to Vinewood, only to pass out on a movie set?

That would at least explain the strange scenery...

Taking a few steps forward, CJ managed to keep his balance as he began what he thought would be his long trek back home. Suddenly, something zoomed past him, causing him to recoil in surprise. Falling back on the ground, CJ grunted and blinked a few times rapidly. He then looked around him, sighing in relief when he saw nothing out of the ordinary, other than the luxurious vegetation. While he could have sworn he had seen a flying thing zooming past him, he simply chalked it up to the lingering effects of alcohol, or whatever the fuck else he had managed to intoxicate himself with last night.

Knowing full well that he was pretty damn far from being sober, he figured there was no point in freaking out just yet. After all, he had seen weirder shit... mainly when working for Mike Toreno. Considering for a second than it might be all part of an elaborate plan by his former boss, CJ shook his head and reached for his pocket, taking out his giant cellphone.

"Aw, shit!" he exclaimed, realizing that there was no network coverage. "Toreno? TORENO? Is that you, man?" he called out as he looked around frantically, but as he had expected, no answer came.

CJ slowly came to the realization that wherever he was, no one was going to help him.

"I been through a lot, man! Ain't no damn forest gonna stop me." he said, determined, not caring that there was no one around to hear him.

Picking up a random direction, CJ started to walk, hoping that he would eventually come out of the forest, and maybe catch a glimpse of something familiar, something that would indicate roughly where he was. Even if it was on the other side of the planet. Looking around him as he walked past a little wooden shack, CJ took a deep breath, inhaling in the pleasant scent of various plants and fruits growing in the wilderness. Despite being much more sensitive to the beauty of a full metal jacket 7.62 millimeter bullet piercing a Ballas' skull, or a nicely pimped low-rider covered in shiny chrome with quad upswept exhaust pipes, he had to admit to himself that nature could be beautiful at times.

About twenty minutes later, after climbing his way over a sea of overgrown roots, CJ smiled as he jumped on the ground, finally out of the forest, the thick foliage now replaced by a picturesque clearing with a small stream of water running below a rocky bridge. There was a small, quaint cottage on the other side of the water, with a large garden and what looked like small woodland critters playing with each other.

CJ raised an eyebrow in surprise, as San Andreas was usually devoid of any kind of animal other than the occasional bird, and a few fishes in the deeper areas of the rivers than ran across the state. Rivers he had conquered long ago, beating the cock twice in epic cross-country triathlons.

Surely there was someone in that cottage, right? Someone who could tell him where he was... Deciding to just shoot through and introduce himself, CJ reached for his belt and his heart skipped a beat.

His fingers made contact with the cold leather, and not the expected wooden grip of his two chrome-plated Colt M1911s with custom, gangsta as fuck seventeen-round magazines.

Who the hell took them? _Nobody_ touches his guns.

Not afraid to rely on his fists should a fighting opportunity arise, Carl kept walking towards the small house, only to freeze up when a large brown animal came from behind a chicken coop.

Who the fuck owned a bear, and let it roam free in their garden? While he was an expert in all things related to fighting, killing, maiming, torturing and running people over, that didn't apply to animals, especially those who could behead him with a single swipe.

At least, the fresh, pure air was doing wonders to help him sober up, and his headache was nearly gone, leaving him with a dull nauseous feeling. On the negative side, that probably meant that the possibilitiy of all this being a very vivid hallucination was out of the window.

"Damn, I wish that nigga Smoke was here, chubby motherfucker'd give me some' to eat... shit." CJ sighed, staring blankly at nothing in particular. He had never regretted anything he had done in the past, but having had to murder his childhood friend Melvin Harris was something he just knew he wouldn't get over anytime soon.

Shaking his head as if it could help him get rid of those thoughts, CJ caught a glimpse of something in the distance. It looked like some sort of small flying animal. His eyes cast downwards, and below the swift bird-like creature was what seemed to be some sort of small rural town. There were a few houses, a large tree with a ridiculously thick canopy, and a few round, fluffy clouds hovering above, at very low altitude.

All in all, it looked more cliché than anything he had ever seen in his life, but town meant population, and population could mean help getting his ass back to Los Santos.

'_Fuck this asocial weirdo and his bears_', he thought.

After walking for about a hundred yards, dread and apprehension were starting to overpower the young man. While he was afraid of nothing, 'nothing' only encompassed what existed. And as far as Carl could tell, three feet tall cartoon-ish equines with bright pastel colors, horns and wings, and tattoos on their butts didn't exist.

Clearly, his body wasn't ready for mindfuck of this magnitude.

His six feet stature allowing him to maintain some composure as he entered the town proper, watching in a mix of awe and fear as the little creatures scurried away from him, CJ couldn't believe his eyes. Maybe The Truth was right, after all? Maybe those midget horses were government algorithms trying to pick up his brains, or whatever the fuck the hippy had tried to warn him about? This was even stranger than stealing green alien shit while flying his personal sixty million dollar jetpack.

The sight of these creatures running away from him with disturbingly human-like sounds did little to reassure him. Sure, they were scared of him, as they should have been, but what if they saw him as a real, imminent threat? As much as he hated to admit it, fist-fighting against large groups wasn't CJ's forte, and he knew he wouldn't be able to take on more than three or four of these little horses at once.

Walking into a (now near empty) marketplace, CJ saw two creatures standing near a stand. One of them was white with purple hair, and the other orange with blonde hair, and with some sort of brown thing on its head.

'_Did another flying horse shit on it? That'd put 'em pigeons to shame for sure_', he thought, a faint smile forming on his face.

And were those... apples? He had never seen such huge, bright red, ripe apples. Goddamn they looked delicious. Approaching the two equines, CJ tried to look as friendly as he could, but it was a lost cause. He was way too gangsta for that shit. Pure, unaltered swag was running through his veins, along with ice cold gangsta blood.

While the orange shit-covered horse ran away, the white one didn't, and eyed him strangely as he came to a stop a few feet away.

Damn, there were so many things wrong with that pony-like thing... besides the fact that standing at roughly three and a half feet, it was more akin to a large dog than an equine.

Exaggeratedly curly, unnaturally purple mane and tail... soft, almost marshmallow-y body without any apparent muscles or fur, a small horn... impossibly large, deep blue eyes with eyelashes faker than OG Loc, and three diamonds tattooed on its butt. It definitely looked female, but CJ wasn't an expert in women. He often had more important things to do, such as crashing multi-million dollar sports cars into random buildings, and killing innocent people with his trusty M134 Vulcan Minigun. Goddamn, he loved that thing.

Giving the hipster midget horse a weird look, CJ crossed his arms over his broad chest as the pony looked up at him, before speaking with an overly feminine voice.

"Oh, my! What an horrible, dreadful creature! And your taste in clothing... oh my goodness! Such filth is an insult to the fashion industry."

CJ raised an eyebrow, putting aside the fact that, well, _a fucking cartoon horse just talked to him, and in English_. He kneeled down, his dark brown eyes piercing into deep blue ones.

Did that bitch just dis his Binco threads?

"Just 'cause I look nice, you think I ain't for real?" he asked in his usual high-pitched, one hundred percent nigga voice.

By the looks of it, the little horse was the one to freak out at the fact the other had the ability to talk. Screaming in an overly dramatic fashion, she turned around and galloped away as fast as her legs would carry her.

What kind of shit was that? What the hell was going on? Was there really such a thing as an alternate dimension?

Or was he just in the Pentagon, being probed by aliens in tinfoil hats disguised as government agents?

Carl sat up in the grass and a brought a hand to his chin, remembering something from his childhood.

Years ago, when he was still a little boy, he and his brother Brian used to play cops and robbers together. Whenever the robber was caught, he had to invent a story, and tell the cop why he had decided to become a robber in the first place.

Initially, the answers were pretty simple. '_I had to feed my family._', '_I have no job._' and '_Fuck da police, nigga!_' were pretty common answers, as they honestly couldn't think of many other reasons why a man would steal. However, as the years went by, and as the perspective of actually having to steal in order to survive became more and more real to the two teenagers, they realized that beyond greed, there were no real reasons why one would _want_ to become a robber... it was more of a necessity, at least in Los Santos.

Obviously, there were the occasional street thugs hitting a liquor store, looking for a cheap thrill... but in the end, the prospect of having to become a petty thug wasn't appealing to either of them.

While their older brother Sean seemed to be interested in becoming a gang member, always trying everything he could think of to impress members of the Orange Grove Families, as it was called back then, the two younger siblings didn't want any of that. Knowing that two young Afro-American boys growing up in the ghetto in the seventies, in a city torn apart by gangs, drugs and corruption had little chance of becoming something else than small-time thugs, they began to think about potential ways out.

While they never found a viable one, Brian once suggested that they could try to build a machine that would send them into an alternate dimension, where San Andreas would be a beautiful place with jobs and money for everyone. It already sounded stupid in their twelve year old minds, but not quite as stupid as having to grow up in these conditions.

Nearly fifteen years later, the idea of another dimension even existing still sounded stupid in Carl's mind, but not quite as stupid now that he was stuck in one himself. What could he do? Could he ever get back home? Were their vehicles there? Besides the fact he loved nothing more than jacking a fast ride, getting around on foot would get old pretty quickly.

Was there some sort of police force here, or would he be free to wreak havoc as he pleased?

A grunt stirred him out of his thoughts. Glancing at a bush nearby, Carl saw a light green horn protruding from it. One of those midget horses was spying on him?

Ninja these motherfuckers.

Using super stealth techniques Ryder's homie LB taught him a long time ago, Carl 'Clockwork Ninja' Johnson made his way to the bush without alerting whatever was inside. Reaching for the protruding bony appendage, he flicked it and heard a small yelp of surprise from the creature. As it emerged from inside the bush, the light green unicorn stared at him in awe.

Wait, green?

Grabbing it by the horn and bringing it up to eye level, CJ gave it a confused look. "What you wearin' colors for, dude?"

The creature's look of amazement quickly turned into one of confusion as she brought a hoof to her chin. "Um, I'm not sure I understand what you're talking about, but... oh, my sweet Celestia! You're a human! I knew I was right all along! Ha! Take that, Bon Bon! Stupid hater! Oh my, I can't believe it, you're a human! You're... well, you look a little burnt, though. Are you alright? Did somepony hurt you?"

Ignoring the 'insult' as he dropped the pony in disbelief, CJ scratched his balls. This shit was a whole new level of fucked up. Even waking up in the middle of a cartoon forest in another dimension seemed normal to him now, compared to that mare's behavior.

"Ain't no colors gettin' you no respect if you ain't respectin' yo' homies, man! You's a mark."

Shooting a glance at her flank, Lyra gave the tall alien a strange look. "Um, yes, I have a mark... cutie mark. Is that what you meant, mister human?"

"Hey look man, cut the crap, dude! I don't care where you from, what 'hood you be representin' or nothin', I just wanna know where the fuck we at. This ain't San Andreas, is it?"

"Um... no? You're in Ponyville, Equestria... I never heard of that San Andreas place... but, you're a human! And you're like, real! Oh my Celestia, can I touch you? Please?" the young mare asked enthusiastically as she raised a hoof, which CJ quickly slapped away.

"Hey yo, you better fucking back off, man, I'm getting a lil' pissed here. Now listen, I gotta get back to the 'hood, somebody's gotta be checkin' on shit, y'know? My homies an' shit, they gon' be worryin' 'bout my ass. And where the fuck is Aquastriad? I ain't never heard of no place called like that."

"It's, um, it's Equestria... and well, mister human, I think you must be very far from your home..."

"Yeah? No shit."

"That's, um... t-that's all I can tell you, I'm sorry... My name's Lyra, by the way."

CJ brought a hand to his face and stroked his badass goatee. "Damn. Don't y'all have someone who knows shit?"

Trying her hardest to remember the strange zebra-human hybrid from an old episode of My Little Human, Lyra was starting to understand CJ's dialect. "Well, there is this librarian mare, Twilight Sparkle. If anypony can help you, it would be her... I think. She lives in the Golden Oaks library, it's the large tree on the edge of town."

Half-listening to the green pony, CJ wouldn't stop staring at the grooves running along her horn. They looked so... strange. He just had to touch them.

"So um, do you want me to walk you there, or-" Lyra was interrupted as rough skin made contact with her sensitive horn. "Eep!"

CJ recoiled in surprise, and shot her a confused glance. "'Sup? Did I hurt yo' ass or some'?"

Blushing profusely, Lyra smiled and brushed the back of her head with hoof. "No, no, I'm sorry, you just startled me, um..." she trailed off, trying to remember some more of the strange dialect used by the zebrumans. "So, whassup mah dawg?"

Letting out a small chuckle, CJ stood up as he looked at Lyra in a mix of confusion and amusement. "Look, thanks for the help and all, but I'mma go see that Toilet Struggle bitch you be talkin' about."

"Um... it's Twilight Sparkle. What's your name, mister human?"

"Name's CJ. Carl Johnson."

"Alright, mister Johnson. I hope you can find whatever it is you're trying to find... it was an honor meeting your kind."

CJ raised an eyebrow at her implication. "My kind? 'The fuck you tryna say?"

"Well, humans, of course!" Lyra replied confusedly.

"Watchu mean, gurl? There ain't no humans in Equestria?"

"Um, no... but now there is one! Oh my gosh, I'm so excited!"

"Jeah... whatever you say, man. I'll catch you later." the young man said, turning around as he started to walk away.

"Good luck, mister CJ! I hope you, um..." she trailed off once again, wishing she had brought with her her fanfiction based on the script of the zebruman episode. "Later, playa! I hope y'all gon' be pimpin' 'em hoes, doe! 'Know what I'm say'?"

"Damn, you're one fucked up lil' horse, man." CJ chuckled heartily as he raised an arm without looking back at the green mare.

Lyra was boiling with excitement, watching as the young male made his way towards Twilight's treebrary in the distance. "Yes! A compliment! That means he likes me!" she managed to articulate through frantic fangirl screaming. Her first encounter with a real human had sure lacked a bit in the romance department, but... it would be all the sweeter in the end, right?

_Right?_

**Author's Note:**

I wish I felt sorry for this, but I don't.


	2. Wear Flowers In Your Mane

"Shit, I still can't believe this is for real... I must be trippin', man."

Despite everything he had seen so far, CJ was definitely unwilling to simply accept the fact he had really ended up in another dimension. It couldn't be real... so many things were wrong with this. But if it _were_ real... Why him? Why now?

So many questions he knew he would never get an answer to...

And the scariest thing? That little mint green unicorn. CJ had met his fair share of crazy motherfuckers in his time, but that pony... goddamn, that little pony. It was like The Truth fucked and impregnated his astral goat Herbie while under heavy doses of LSD, who then gave birth to Lyra, only to be raised by Catalina.

Or something.

And why did they all have a tramp stamp? CJ could understand why one would want a tattoo, the large AK-47 covering his upper back attested to that, but who the fuck would want three diamonds on their butt? Or a harp?

Or was it a lyre? What the hell was that thing anyway? He had never heard that instrument on Radio Los Santos.

Looking around him, Carl sighed. A few of the most courageous ponies were back outside, while most of the others were either shyly peeking through their ajar doors, or pressing their muzzles against their closed windows. As much as he liked being the center of attention, he still felt uneasy. What if that Twilight Sparkle pony couldn't help him? Or worse, what if she didn't _want_ to?

He wasn't a cold-blooded killer. He had no problem killing those who stood in his way, but he never really took pleasure in murdering innocent people.

Unless they were wearing purple.

Or yellow.

He figured that as long as he kept calm, all these little ponies would eventually realize that he wasn't a threat to them. Or at least, he hoped. But what if they were racist? Or xenophobic?

After all, he wasn't simply a member of another species, to them he was an alien, straight from another dimension. Being nearly twice as tall as most of them didn't help, either.

Standing in front of the large tree Lyra had directed him towards, CJ took a deep breath and knocked on the door. While he waited, he checked his phone, as if network coverage could have magically returned... obviously, it hadn't.

A purple mare with a horn and strange pink streaks in her mane opened the door.

"Um, hello? May I help you?" Twilight Sparkle asked, raising an eyebrow as she looked up at the tall, foreign creature.

"Oh, uh, yeah. 'Sup."

_Smooth, Carl. Real smooth._

"Uh... who are you? And what are you?" the lavender mare asked, her horn glowing as she prepared a basic force field spell. _'Better safe than sorry'_, she thought.

"Shit, she was for real, you ain't scared!" CJ exclaimed, a slight glimmer of hope flashing in his eyes as he realized that maybe, not all was lost for him.

Yet.

"Should I be?"

"Nah, nah! I ain't gonna hurt y'all. Look, I, uh..." he trailed off, his eyes wandering on her. "Shit, why you have to be purple, man?"

"Excuse me?" she inquired, frowning. 'What does that have to do with anything?"

"Well, uh... Nothin'. Look. I need to get back home, and that Lyra girl over there, she told me you could help me, right?" he said, pointing a finger behind him.

"Back home? Where are you from? And for Celestia's sake, what are you?"

"Name's Carl Johnson." he said smugly, crossing his arms. "I guess you can call me CJ. And I'm a Grove Street OG."

"Alright... okay, listen mister Johnson, I don't understand what you're trying to tell me," Twilight brushed a strand of mane out of her face with a hoof, and looked at Carl's face. He seemed confused, possibly more than her, and she couldn't detect the slightest trace of magical energy in his body, "but why don't you come in? You can explain me everything." she said smiling, beckoning him with a hoof.

Carl followed her inside the house, ducking under the door frame._ 'Damn, these motherfuckers would have made Ryder look tall.'_ he thought, stifling a laugh. The purple mare took a seat and motioned for him to sit in front of her, which he did, nearly falling off the (way too small) chair upon hearing a young voice coming from the stairs.

"Twilight! You forgot your pills again! You know your body can't regulate its intestinal transit on its own, damn it! And now, tomorrow I'm gonna have to clean your... oh my sweet Celestia, what is that thing?" the little dragon stopped two steps away from the ground, staring at CJ in fear.

"What the fuck, man? Another purple motherfucker? This Balla turf or what?" CJ nearly screamed in disbelief.

"And it can talk? Twilight, help!" Spike screamed, climbing back up the stairs.

"Spike, calm down!" the mare said, casting a small force field around both her and her number one assistant. "This is Carl, and he's not from around here... and he seems to be lost. Carl, this is Spike, my assistant."

"Number one assistant." the little reptile added smugly.

Staring wide-eyed, CJ closed his mouth when he realized a strand of saliva had found its way inside his goatee. "Shit, you's a dragon?"

"Yep!" Spike answered with a large grin.

Looking back at Twilight, he saw her chuckling silently. "What's happenin', man? Why you two be glowin' purple? And how many of 'em weird ass creatures y'all have in this country? Damn, this some crazy shit!"

"Well, Carl... you don't mind if I call you Carl, do you?" she asked, and taking his lack of reaction as a 'no', she continued. "We have many different species here in Equestria. I have never seen anything like you, so I assume you come from a very distant land, but here we have ponies, griffons, dragons... lots of creatures living in harmony. Well, most of the time."

_Scared changelings, bored buffalos from the Midwest... This land is like a big Üder Milken ice cream shop. Thirty-six flavors of pony!_

"Yeah, yeah, I guess. Look, you better back off a lil' bit, alright? That purple shit's making me nervous."

"Purple... oh, you mean, magic?" she asked, lowering the force field around her. "That was just for, um, safety purposes. You never saw unicorn magic, Carl?"

Bringing a hand to his chin, the young man started stroking his goatee as he blinked three times rapidly. "Magic? Hell no. See, where I'm from, magic ain't no thing. It don't exist, y'know? Ain't no damn pony talking, either. I think this an alternate dimension or some'... You ever heard of San Andreas?"

"Don't be silly, Carl. There's no such thing as an alternate dimension. Equis is a very large planet, you must simply come from foreign lands... I have never heard of San Andreas, though. Where is it, exactly?"

"I don't know what the fuck Equis is, but my planet's called Earth. And San Andreas is a state in North America. I don't suppose you horses know about that, either?"

Levitating a slowly forming bead of sweat off her forehead and into her mouth (because fuck paying for salt licks, she's a resourceful mare), Twilight looked at Spike. "Spike, can you go and make us some tea, please?"

"Yeah, yeah... sure." the poor little dragon said as he walked into the kitchen, muttering something about how he was tired of being enslaved by hooved females with petty fucking needs, and how he would raise hell in a couple hundred years.

Ignoring him, Twilight turned her gaze back to the human sitting in front of her. "I have never heard of all those places... this can't be. You can't be from another dimension! You're a... um, what are you, again?"

"I'm a human."

"A human... no, this can't be happening."

"That's what I been sayin' since I woke up in that huge ass forest, dude! But this shit looks real to me. Whatever's happenin', it's for real and I'mma need yo' help, man. I can't be stayin' in this crazy ass land, y'know? Ain't no place for a nigga, man."

"What's a nigga?" Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow.

CJ sighed. "It's nothin'. Yo, look, it don't matter. That Lyra girl said you could help me get back to LS."

"Ellis?"

"Man, fuck! This just some place where I'm from."

"You don't have to use such foul language all the time, Carl, you know? It won't get you anywhere in life." Twilight scowled him.

"Get me anywhere? Bitch, I run the fucking streets. Ain't no damn three feet tall horse gon' tell me what the fuck to do, man! Shit, I thought you said you was gonna help me, you ain't my damn mom!"

"I didn't say I _would_ help you... since I don't know if I can or not." she said angrily, purple sparks spouting from her horn. "And you don't run anything in Equestria, so I suggest you calm down right now, or I will have to calm you down myself!"

"Oh yeah? And what you gonna do, man? WATCHU GON' DO?" CJ shouted defiantly, spittle hitting Twilight in the face as he got up and slammed his fists onto the wooden table, breaking it in half in the process.

"THIS IS WHAT I'M GOING TO DO, YOU FREAK!" the enraged unicorn screamed, jumping on the half-table and firing a beam of light at him.

Twilight Sparkle watched in horror as her sedating spell harmlessly ricocheted off the human's chest, and crashed into a nearby bookshelf, setting a few books on fire. "Spike! SPIKE! Quick, a fire extinguisher!" she shrieked, galloping in circles and knocking random things off tables and shelves.

Before he could even comprehend what the hell had just happened, Carl walked up to the burning shelf and grabbed the three flaming books, placing them on the ground before stomping on them repeatedly, putting the fire out in a few seconds. He was glad he had been a firefighter in the past, being fireproof was definitely useful.

He then glared at Twilight, his expression somewhere in between _'what did you say, bitch nigga?'_ and _'yo, you right, dawg, this is stupid, let's put the guns away and go on about our business'_.

Before either of them could say something, a flash of light blinded them, followed by the telltale sound of a wooden door creaking open.

A white mare with a flowing, multicolor mane was standing in the doorway, a solemn look upon her face. She was much larger than Twilight or Lyra, or any other creature CJ had seen so far. Her horn was huge, akin to a sword and nearly two feet long, and her large wings were neatly folded against her slender frame, glistening in the sunlight.

Her dark magenta eyes gazed upon her faithful student and the tall ape-like creature standing on a pile of burned paper, as a small smirk formed at the corner of her mouth.

"P-princess... Princess Celestia!" Twilight shouted, quickly trotting up to her mentor, nuzzling her armored chest with her head.

"My faithful student," Celestia started, her eyes focusing on Carl. "I am glad to see that the human sought shelter from you. Who knows what some other ponies could have done to him..." she trails off, thoughts of the Apple family crossing her mind.

_'Roll him in some pig shit, it's all he's good for!'_ a shiver ran through her body as she imagined Applejack's screams, while her brother charged towards the young human, a pitchfork in his mouth. Yeah, that was definitely a good thing he didn't end up wandering on the Apple family's property.

Twilight was giving her mentor a confused look. "What do you mean, Princess? Did you know about his arrival in Equestria?"

"No! Of course not." Celestia said a little too loud, a bead of sweat forming under her crown. "I uh, just knew that another, um... creature, had arrived earlier today... It is my job to make sure Equestria is safe, after all."

Carl, who had remained silent until then, stepped up to the Princess of the Sun, and looked down at her. Her gaze was shifting uneasily, and although she would never admit it, to her, there was something deeply unsettling about having to look _up_ when conversing with another sentient being.

"Damn, you a horse, man!"

"Excuse me?"

"Well, I mean, look at you! You're like, two feet taller than the others! They ponies, ain't they? That makes you a horse."

Celestia smiled and cleared her throat. "Mister, um... what is your name?"

Twilight chimed in. "It's Carl, Princess. Carl Johnson."

"Very well, Carl. I am Princess Celestia, the ruler of Equestria. And I am a pony."

"No way, dude, you're a horse. And how you rule shit if you just a princess? I thought only kings and queens could rule over a kingdom."

"Carl, I am going to have to ask you to stay calm, and remain quiet. It will only take a second." Celestia said, readying a mind-reading spell.

"Princess, I don't think that's a-" the purple unicorn was cut off as her teacher glared at her.

"Be quiet, Twilight. I know exactly what I am doing."

A bright yellow beam of light shot from the white alicorn's horn, passing through Carl's chest and dissipating into the air a few feet behind him. Her face dropped as Carl glared at her strangely, completely unfazed.

"Yo, that was some nice fireworks and all, but damn, baby! That magic thing is some freaky shit."

Ignoring Carl's comments, the princess stepped outside, motioning for Twilight to follow her. When both mares were outside, the door closed seemingly on its own, the handle glowing faint yellow.

_'Shit... I gotta find a way outta here!'_ Carl thought. The white pony's strange behavior wasn't really scaring him, but clearly things were not looking up for him.

He lazily walked up to the window and watched as the two ponies talked to each other, wondering what they could be talking about.

"I couldn't even grasp him! My magic energy just went right through him, as if he weren't even there..."

"I know, Princess! I used a tranquilizing spell on him, it just ricocheted right off him! He seems to be immune to magic... do you understand what that means?"

While Twilight had a large smile on her face from the prospects of having a sentient being immune to magic to experiment on, Celestia seemed a little unnerved, if not downright pissed off.

"Yes, Twilight Sparkle. I understand perfectly what that means... now if you'll excuse me, I must return to Canterlot, for I have some business to attend to. Farewell, my little pony." Before Twilight could answer, the alicorn spread her wings, ready to take off when the sound of a door opening interrupted her.

"Hey, wait up, damn! Y'all gonna tell me what the fuck I'm here for or what? I know you're a princess and you have shit to take care of and all, but you ain't the only one. My homies down in LS! My fucking 'hood, man! I gotta go back where I belong, them Balla motherfuckers ain't gonna wait for me!"

"Carl." she said solemnly, although with a hint of venom in her voice. "I understand your situation, but there is nothing I can do to help you..." she looked back at Twilight, flashing her a smile, before whispering into the man's ear. "Even if I wanted to."

"Princess," the young unicorn inquired, "why are you acting so... strangely?".

"Am I? Oh... yes, maybe. I am, um... I haven't slept well in a few days. We are having some, um, territorial issues. Problems with the griffons, you know? Things are, um, well, you know how griffons are... I must admit, I am a little preoccupied, perhaps a bit more than I should be. But do not worry, I will be back to my usual self in no time."

"The griffons?" Twilight raised an eyebrow. "But I thought they-"

"Goodbye, Twilight." Celestia said quickly before teleporting away.

"What the hell was that, man? That white bitch is crazy! She always like that, or is it because of those groffen things, whatever the fuck they are?"

"How dare you insult Princess Celestia?" Twilight screamed, getting up on her hind legs and pressing her front hooves against CJ's chest.

"Hey, chill, man! I'm just sayin', she wasn't actin' normal, is all."

Twilight eyed him carefully, before calming down a bit and shrugging, dropping back on all fours. "And how would you know how she normally acts? You don't even know her!"

"No... but you seem to be trustin' her, and you an alright girl. You wouldn't be holdin' no respect for her ass if she was like that all the time. Besides, I know when motherfuckers are up to some'... I'm telling you, Sparks, her ass is definitely schemin' some shit."

"...Sparks?" the lavender mare asked, bewildered, unable to even start processing the rest of what CJ said.

"Look, if I'm stuck here, I ain't lettin' no bitch ass horse fuck with y'all. I'm gonna go to that Kennerot place and investigate a lil' bit."

"Canterlot." she corrected.

"Whatever. You in?"

"Carl, I... No! I'm not in! You don't know what you're talking about, Princess Celestia is a kind and fair pony, she would never be plotting anything."

"Man, do you ever get outta your damn tree? Shit, you'd need a lil' trip in the ghetto, learnin' to keep it real... I don't care if this Equestria place looks like it's comin' from a lil' girl's dream, it can't be all sunshine and rainbows and shit!"

"Well, no, but we have the Elements of Harmony, Carl! Whenever there is a threat to Equestria, me and my friends are always there to save the day!" Twilight said proudly, puffing her fluffy chest out.

"The Elements of- man, fuck this shit. I ain't even gonna tryna understand what you be talkin' 'bout. All I'm sayin' is, you trust her, so if she's the threat, you won't do shit. Ain't nothin' gon' stop her."

"For the last time, Princess Celestia is not a threat! And the next time you disrespect her, I will-" she was cut off as CJ grabbed her by the horn, bringing her up to his eye level.

Damn, why were these horns so... _enticing_? What the fuck?

"What you gon' do now? Set more shit on fire?" the man asked, smirking. "Nah, I think you should introduce me to your friends. Maybe they keep it real. You? You wouldn't know real if it came and hit you in yo' cheeks."

"Let go off me, you brute!"

"Whatever you say." CJ dropped the purple pony, a look of determination on his face. "I'mma go meet yo' friends. Where they at?"

Her horn glowing brightly as she was about to smack him with a chair, Twilight suddenly stopped, a thought crossing her mind. "Maybe you should try to go see Applejack. She would _love_ you."

"That sounds good, where she at?"

"Sweet Apple Acres. It's a farm not far from here. Just walk forward, and you will end up on a dirt track. Make a right whenever you can, and the farm will be straight ahead. You will recognize Applejack easily, she's an orange Earth pony with a blonde mane and a brown hat. She'll probably be out in the orchard, bucking trees."

"Orange, blonde, brown... aw shit! She the one who got shat on by a bird horse!"

"What?"

"Nothin', I'mma go see her I guess. I'll catch yo' later, Sparks." CJ said as he turned around, only to be interrupted by Spike, who had a cup of tea in each 'hand'. "Tea? You for real, kid?" he asked, grabbing his cup nonetheless as the other was caught in a lavender aura, and levitated behind him.

"Well, I'm sorry, um... Carl, is that it?" Spike inquired.

"Jeah. Carl Johnson."

"Well mister Carl, I personally prefer more, um..." the little dragon trailed off, glancing around nervously. "I prefer manlier drinks, you know?"

"Oh yeah? Manly drinks, huh? Like what?"

"Um... black coffee? No sugar?"

"Coffee? Shit, man. Coffee's alright and all, but that's the idea of manliness to you?"

"Uh... I don't know... I mean, yes! It's manly! Isn't it? What do you drink where you come from?"

"We have lots of things to drink... hey, you don't have beer, do you?"

"Actually we do, but..." Spike trailed off as he sighed, starting to hover a few inches off the ground, a purple glow surrounding his small body.

"Carl, it's time to go. Spike, leave him alone. He has to go... Now."

"Yes, Twilight..."

Freeing the young dragon from his tormentor's magical clutches, Carl tucked him under his arm and gave the purple mare a disapproving look. "What's wrong with you, man? Why you ain't lettin' the lil' guy do what he wants? We just talkin', we ain't doin' nothin' bad."

Sighing in exasperation, Twilight was trying her best to remain calm, and somewhat composed. "He is young, and he shouldn't be talking to the likes of you."

"He a fucking dragon! He shouldn't be takin' orders from a purple midget horse, is what he shouldn't be doin'! So let us talk, alright? I'm just askin' him a few things! Damn, it's not everyday I meet a fucking dragon, man!"

_'And it's a good thing, because your ass would be toast.'_ she thought, feeling nothing but disdain for the young man and his attitude.

Carl kneeled down, putting the young dragon back on the ground and patting his head. "So, lil' guy, what's yo' name again?"

"Spike."

"Spike, huh? That's a cool name I guess... Hey yo man, can you breathe fire?"

"Uh... well, yes. But um... not quite like an adult dragon."

"What's that mean? I ain't never seen no adult dragon, so I don't know."

"Well, I can, uh... I can send letters to the princess."

Carl raised an eyebrow and stroked his goatee. "What's that gotta do with anything?"

"When I breathe a small flame on a letter, it gets sent to the princess! Isn't that cool?"

"Huh... I guess. So, you some kind of magical mailman or some shit?" CJ asked, taking a sip of his tea cup.

"Heh, I guess you could say that."

"Who'd wanna write to the princess, anyway?"

"Twilight and her friends, mostly..." the little lizard trailed off, looking into Twilight's hate-filled eyes. "Um, exclusively."

Carl chuckled as an idea popped in his head, a smirk forming on his face. "I see... Spike, could you send her a letter from me?"


	3. 555 Sun Butt

Princess Celestia was comfortably lying on her bed as she levitated a cup of tea to her mouth. She sighed happily as she took a long sip of the warm liquid. Turning yet another page of the romance novel she was reading, she couldn't help but feel a dull aching sensation setting in her stomach. After all, when was the last time she had been with another pony? At least a century ago... Besides the fact her duties didn't leave her with much free time, she was hard-pressed to find a potential mate who wasn't intimidated, if not scared shitless by her mere presence.

The telltale sound of a letter appearing in a puff of green smoke startled the white alicorn as she jerked her head towards the scroll, barely catching it with her magic before it landed on her pillow.

_Nothing_ touches her pillow.

Unfolding it, she raised an eyebrow as she read the first line.

Yo princess, wat up? This yo' boy Carl.

_'My boy?'_ she thought, raising her second eyebrow even higher than the first one, regardless of the fact ponies didn't even have eyebrows to begin with.

Now look, girl. I don't know what you up to, and I don't give a shit, but I'mma tell you right now, I ain't gonna let you fuck with me. All your cracker ass is gon' do is either sendin' me back to where I'm from, or nothin' at all.

The Princess of the Sun let out a small chuckle, mildly amused by Carl's attitude. It kinda reminded her of her sister's, about a thousand and two hundred years ago. She kept on reading, taking another sip of her tea.

I ain't tryna threaten you or nothin', but as a fellow leader and businesshorse, I assume you know what it's like to have duties. So I hope you'll understand that I must go back to where I'm from, and make sure the homies can keep 'em yay-slangin' punks from fucking up my streets.

Celestia used her magic to create a third eyebrow, and raised it. Homies? Yay-slanging punks? _His_ streets?

..._Businesshorse_?

While my ass is stuck here, I suggest you don't try no funny shit. I saw the way you looked at me, and I know you think I'm a threat to yo' ass, but I ain't never fucked with a nigga who didn't have it comin' to 'em. You feel me, player?

PS: This is Spike. I'm sorry Princess, but I think Carl is angry about something. He won't allow me to sign, either. He keeps saying that he's not your subject, and that he'll never be faithful to anything or anyone except 'the 'hood' and 'his homies'. I don't know what that means.

She dropped the scroll as her gaze shifted around uneasily. What was that human talking about? His language, his reactions... And he had only seen her for a couple of minutes at best! Surely, he couldn't be onto her already... could he?

* * *

"Thanks, Spike. You's a playa's right hand, dude." Carl said, downing his beer in one go.

"Um, no problem, mister Carl. But I think you should go now, Twilight seems to be pretty angry with you..."

"Jeah... I guess I'mma go see this Appleshack pony she was tellin' me about." the young man got up to his feet and turned around, ready to leave.

"It's Applejack." Spike corrected.

Looking back at the little dragon, Carl sighed. "Aw, man! I don't think I'll ever get one of y'all's names right. These some strange names... not at all like where I'm from."

Spike brought a claw to his chin and gave CJ a questioning look. "What are human names like?"

"Well, see my brother, his name's Sean, though we call him Sweet. My sis', name's Kendall. My mom's name was Beverly, and my other brother's was Brian, but..." CJ trailed off, staring blankly at a wall nearby. With all the shit he had to go through these past few months, he hadn't even had the time to think about the death of two of his closest family members. "And there's my two best homeboys, Melvin and Lance. I had to kill 'em, man! They betrayed me an' my brother, but shit... we was like family!"

"You... you _killed_ sentient beings?"

Giving Spike a blank stare, CJ took a moment to consider that maybe, creatures in this land weren't used to the idea of killing. At least not to solve your problems on a daily basis. "Well, what was I gonna do, man? They betrayed me, they got my brother sent to jail and everything! They almost ruined the Grove, dude! The only way to deal with motherfuckers like 'em is to put a bullet through their brains, man. I wish there was another way, but there ain't."

"That's... that's awful!" gagging at the thought, Spike looked away for a few seconds, before staring at CJ again. "What's a bullet?"

"Aw, shit! I knew it, I was afraid y'all wouldn't have any guns... damn! A'ight dog, I'm outta here. You watch yo' ass, you hear? I don't want no crazy purple bitch to give you shit 'cause you been helpin' a nigga, man."

Spike waved a 'hand' at CJ, deciding to simply ignore his strange language. But, did he just... _help a nigga_? Whatever that meant, the young dragon felt proud.

* * *

Following the directions Twilight had told him, the young man eventually found himself walking on a dirt path leading up a small hill. He was panting and sweating as he reached the top. The burning heat of San Andreas was something he had gotten used to in his childhood, but the heat here was something else... Looking at the sky, it became clear why: the Sun here was either much larger, or much closer to the planet.

His gaze averting back to the 'road', CJ's jaw dropped at the sight of the giant orchard a few dozen yards ahead. He had seen similar things before, but never on such a scale... this was truly breathtaking.

The young man walked towards a red building, which seemed to serve as a house for whoever owned this piece of land.

Even if he hadn't been mesmerized by the thousands of apple trees surrounding him, CJ would have remained unaware of the white alicorn zooming into him, smiling as she watched his sweaty skin glisten in the intense sunlight. Sitting on her balcony in the comfort of her magical, outdoor air conditioning unit, Celestia stored her telescope and looked at the Sun. _Her_ Sun. From the highest tower in the majestic Canterlot castle, it looked even bigger... damn, she had really outdone herself this time.

Never could such a puny, cocky creature challenge her might. Sure, so far the human had proven to be surprisingly resourceful, but beyond his apparent immunity to magic, he was nothing more than a slightly more dangerous minotaur. Apart from being wonderful lovers due to their stamina, minotaurs were a pretty dull species. If Celestia wanted to wipe out every single minotaur from the face of the planet, _her_ planet, it would take her roughly an afternoon.

So why was she even considering the fact that a simple human, lost in a land that he knew nothing about, could be enough of a threat to justify being monitored? It's not like she was checking him out or anything, so why was she even bothering using her telescope?

She had just _started_ trolling him. It wasn't worth checking his reactions just yet... heh, maybe she could reply to his letter?

With a new, wonderful idea in her mind, the Solar diarch monarch Goddess walked back into her bedchamber with a small grin on her face.

* * *

"Hey, yo, ease up, man, damn! Can't we talk about this?"

"Eenope!"

Running as fast as he could, Carl shot a brief glance behind him, only to see the large red stallion still hot on his heels. As soon as he had entered the orchard itself, Big Mac popped out of nowhere and started chasing after him. After throwing a punch directly aimed at the stallion's muzzle, Carl had decided that running while rubbing his sore hand was the best option.

"C'mon, man! Shit! I swear, I wasn't tryna trespass on yo' property or nothin'! Twilight Sparkle sent me, man! She said that Applejack girl could help me or something!"

Realizing he couldn't hear the thundering sound of clopping hooves anymore, Carl looked behind him and saw his pursuer stopping in a large cloud of dust. Slowing down to a brisk walk, the young man eventually stopped, and looked at the red pony who was standing about a hundred feet behind him, as emotionless as ever. Walking up to him, Carl raised his hands, trying not to look threatening.

Before he could say anything, Big Mac spoke. "You know Twilight?"

"Uh, yeah. See, I'm in some deep shit, and she told me about the Elements of Irony or whatever, and that I should go see Applejack, though I ain't sure why."

Big Mac's face contorted into something highly disturbing, apparently his best attempt at conveying a positive emotion. "You lookin' for mah sis'? Why didn't you say so? C'mon, partner. I'll show ya the way."

_'Man, I wish I had a strap.'_ Carl thought as he followed the stallion all the way to a big red farmhouse, and into a barn.

As he was looking at the ground, making sure to stay out of bucking range, he heard his stomach grumble. Now that he thought about it, he hadn't had anything to eat since last night... and all these apples everywhere were making him salivate.

"Applejack! Somepony's lookin' for ya."

The country mare put down a large basket of apples and glanced at her older brother, and then at the large bipedal creature standing next to him.

"What in tarnation is that?"

"Ah don't know, but he said Twilight sent 'im to see ya."

"That... creature knows Twilight?"

"Eeyup." Mac shrugged as he walked out of the barn.

"Well..." Applejack started, trailing off as she trotted up to CJ, eyeing him carefully. "Ain't y'all a mighty strange sight..." she extended an uncertain hoof, which CJ shook awkwardly with a hand.

"That's some fucking welcome, man! So what you can do for me? Twilight said you'd help."

"Hold on, partner. Ah don't know what y'all talkin' about. Ah ain't never seen nothin' like ya. What are ya? And what's yer name?"

"I'm a human. Name's Carl Johnson. You can call me CJ."

"Ah'm Applejack, but you can call me AJ."

"For real? Damn, it's good to meet someone who ain't too messed up."

Having no eyebrows, Applejack raised a freckle. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, so far I met that pony girl called Lyra or some', she some freaky girl, I'm tellin' you. And then I went to Twilight's, and she was even worse, tryna burn my ass and enslavin' that lil' dragon fella an' everythin'."

"Ah don't really know what yer talkin' about. That don't sound like Twilight none. But anyway, yer lucky mah big brother didn't chase yer flank as soon as he saw you..."

CJ deadpanned. "Actually, he did. He stopped when I mentioned I was here to see you."

"Oh... well, Ah'm sorry 'bout that. Ya see, a few days ago, the princess came to Ponyville and told everypony to be careful, she said there might be some strange creature lurking around. That's y'all, ain't it?"

"I don't know, man! I don't know what's going on, I swear! I just appeared in the forest this mornin', got no memory of nothin'. I ain't even from this world. If she was talkin' about me, then she knew in advance, so that makes her the motherfucker who brought me here! But why?"

"Ya think Princess Celestia is the reason for y'all bein' here?"

"I don't know... I don't know her, but the way she was lookin' at me..." CJ trailed off as his stomach rumbled once again. "I mean, when I was at Twilight's, she came and she acted all weird and shit, like she'd been expectin' me or some'. I'm pretty sure she's up to somethin', and it probably ain't no good for me."

"Yer hungry?"

"Jeah... didn't eat nothin' since last night."

"Ah don't know what humans eat, but why don't you try one of 'em apples?" the country mare said, smiling as she threw CJ a large, ripe, bright red apple. "Ah'm sure they ain't that good where y'all's from."

CJ took a bite and closed his eyes. "Goddamn, this some good shit!"

"Was... was that a compliment?" Applejack asked, raising another freckle.

CJ chuckled. "Yeah. Yeah, it was. This shit tastes natural. Where I'm from, everything's polluted and full of chemicals, y'know?"

"So listen now, why didn't ya ask the princess to help ya, if she was there when you visited Twilight?"

"I did!" CJ said, showering the orange pony in spittle, apple juice and apple seeds. "Bitch said she wouldn't help me, even if she could."

"What? Are you sure Princess Celestia really said that?" Applejack asked in disbelief, ignoring CJ's eating manners as she picked a few apple seeds off her mane. "And what did Twilight say?"

"She didn't hear... I think. Celestia whispered that shit into my ear. Then after she was gone, I told Twilight she was up to somethin', but she started trippin' and all, and she went like, _'What the fuck, nigger? She ain't no threat!'_, and then she started gettin' all pissed, and tryna burn my ass with her purple magic thing."

"Wait, wait! Yer trying to tell me that Princess Celestia is hiding somethin' from Twilight?"

"What? Nah, I didn't say that. But she was makin' up some poor ass excuses, and she disappeared when Twilight asked her what the fuck she was talkin' about." CJ crossed his arms and threw his apple core away.

"You talked about- hey! Don't ya waste 'em seeds like that, ya darn vermin!" she scowled at him, and sighed at his lack of reaction. "So, she whispered somethin' to ya, and you said she was actin' strange, right?"

"You a sharp motherfucker."

Ignoring his comment, Applejack frowned. "And she ignored Twilight's questions?"

"Yeah."

"Princess Celestia would never do that... Maybe she's sick?"

"Look, I don't know, man... maybe I'm just bein' paranoid, you weren't even there anyway!"

"Ah'm the Element of Honesty, CJ. Ah don't need to be anywhere to tell when somepony's not bein' honest. If yer tellin' the truth, things could be bad... but why would the princess... Ah, darn it. Ah just don't get it. Everythin' from the past few days just don't make no sense at all." she sighed, and her own stomach reminded her she had been working overtime, once again. "Speakin' of not makin' sense, why don't you follow me to Sugarcube Corner? We can get ya a real meal."

"I'm down with that." CJ leaned down and picked an apple seed off her nose. "Hey, you a cool lil' pony, y'know? For real."

* * *

"So, Ah gotta warn ya. The mare who works here, she might be a lil' too much for ya to handle."

CJ raised an eyebrow, taking great pride in the fact that he was the only one with eyebrows around here. "What you mean?"

"Well, you'll see..." Applejack entered the giant gingerbread house, only to get a (predictable) faceful of pink.

"Heya Applejack!"

"Howdy Pinkie, how ya doin'?"

"Oh, I'm fine! But you should- oh, who is that? Oh, I know! I know! It's, uh... wait, don't say, don't say! I know... uh..."

CJ cocked his head before shrugging, extending a hand. "Name's Carl."

"Oh... I didn't know. But it doesn't matter, mister Nemzkahr. Now we can be the bestest of friends! I'm friends with everypony in Ponyville, but even if you're not a pony, we're gonna be friends because I-"

"C'mon Pinkie, let 'im breathe. Yer gonna scare the poor fella." Applejack said as she jammed a hoof in Pinkie's mouth.

"Yeah, calm down, man, damn... I ain't never been friends with no pink pony, but there's a first time for everythin' I guess."

"Ah reckon y'all are courageous."

CJ stifled a laugh. "Is she always like that?"

"Yup. More or less." AJ said, smiling as she withdrew her hoof from Pinkie's maw. "Often more."

"-AND WE CAN THROW YOU A WELCOME TO PONYVILLE PARTY AND THEN WE-"

Once again silenced by an orange hoof stuck in her mouth, Pinkie seemed to be considering the fact that _maybe_, she should go easy on that tall creature thing. It wouldn't be fun, but she could always do something double fun later to make up for it.

"So, Pinkie, is that it?" CJ asked, trying not to panic at the thought that _she_ could have been the first pony he'd met.

"Apfejfak, tfake your foof fout fof mfah mfoutffff!" Pinkie 'said', showering half of the room in saliva.

Complying, the country mare gave CJ an apologetic smile. "Yer gonna love her bakin'."

"So, mister Nemz, what can I get you? What can I get you?"

Applejack facehoofed. "It's Carl, Pinkie."

"Okay, sorry mister Kahlpinky. What can I get you? How about some cupcakes?" the pink pony asked with an impossibly large grin.

Giving up on trying to understand that mare, CJ thought for a few seconds before shaking his head. "Nah, I don't want no cupcakes."

"Muffins?"

"Nah."

"Well, what do you want, then?"

"Chicken, man. No discussion."

Everypony's eyes widened.


	4. Pony Harvest

"You... you eat meat?" Pinkie asked, backing up against a wall in an overly dramatic fashion.

CJ gave her a strange look. "Well, yeah. What you mean? You ponies are like horses from my world? Eatin' only hay and grass or some other shit?"

"No! But... we don't eat meat! That's... that's mean! You're a big meanie!"

"Hey yo, don't trip, man! It ain't my fault, y'know? Humans eat meat, that's all."

"But, but, but... but that's... that's... b-but... I don't know what it is, but it is!"

"Pinkie, calm down, jeez. Ah reckon you didn't realize, but y'all have an alligator as a pet." Applejack said, adjusting her hat.

"But Gummy would never eat meat! Plus, he has no teeth."

"He will when he grows up! And look at me, Pinkie. Ah have Winona. An' Rarity has Opalescence."

"So? They don't eat-"

"They do in the wild! They're our pets, we can force 'em to eat what we want 'em to eat, but in the wild, cats and dogs are primarily carnivores."

For the first time in the history of Equestria, Pinkie Pie was immobile, silent and with a neutral expression.

"Yo, Apple's right. If y'all have pets, they'd be eatin' meat in the wild. At least if they anythin' like those from Earth. That doesn't matter anyway, just gimme some' to eat." CJ said, patting his belly. Damn, he was hungry.

Still motionless, the party mare shot a careful glance at the tall, bloodthirsty ape thing. "Chocolate cake?"

"Shit yeah."

"That means yes." Applejack precised, grinning.

Pinkie silently walked out of the room, and into the kitchen.

Applejack gave CJ a worried look. "Ah think Ah broke her."

"Nah, she just trippin' is all."

"So, tell me CJ, what do ya reckon we should do if the princess is really up to somethin'?"

"You tell me, man! I don't know what she's like. She dangerous?"

Applejack rolled her eyes. When you're talking about a near immortal ruler who has the power to move a giant ball of plasma, dangerous is an understatement. "Well, usually she's nice an' all, but... yeah. She could be dangerous alright."

"Damn! And you ain't even packin'..."

"What does that-" Applejack was cut off by a scroll hitting her in the back of the head. Quickly turning around, she glanced at a table nearby. "What in tarnation? Whoever did that, I'mma whip yer flank!"

CJ chuckled and put a hand on the country mare's withers. "Nah, you ain't doin' it right. Look, you wanna threaten a nigga? That's how it's done." he said, taking a step forward and cracking his knuckles as his face contorted into his 'nigga moment' face, his pupils shrinking as he stared angrily at nothing in particular. "HEY YO! WHO THE FUCK DID THAT? COME ON, PUNK! I'LL CRACK YO' MOTHERFUCKIN' SKULL!"

CJ turned around as he heard a muffled squeal coming from behind him. A yellow pony with pink hair was standing in the door frame, her large cyan eyes filled with terror.

Following CJ's gaze, Applejack's own eyes widened upon seeing Fluttershy. "Oh, darn! Fluttershy, wait! He ain't gonna hurt ya!"

"I... I... HEEEEEELP!" the yellow pegasus screamed at the top of her lungs, which was barely louder than a whisper. She ran away as quickly as she could, her wings flapping around frantically.

CJ looked at Applejack in apprehension. "Did I do some' I shouldn't have?"

"Ya sure did. C'mon, we gotta go after her!"

"Why? You wanna fuck her up?"

"What? No! She's mah friend, we need to tell her yer no threat before she barricades herself in her cottage for a week straight!"

"Damn, man! Why they all trippin'? You the only normal pony around here or what?"

"Ah don't know! C'mon, follow me!"

After picking up the scroll, CJ ran out of Sugarcube Corner, struggling to keep up with Applejack. Was he out of shape, or was having four legs _really_ such an advantage?

* * *

"Fluttershy! Open up! Open the door, Ah swear, he ain't dangerous! We been talkin' an' all, he ain't from 'round these parts, is all."

Applejack rolled her eyes as she heard a muffled 'no'.

"So? She comin' out or what?"

"Ah don't think she is... y'all scared her somethin' fierce."

CJ stroked his goatee and sighed. "So what's the plan? What do we do now?"

"Ah don't know, Ah s'pose we could always wait until her animals need feedin'. No amount of fear will stop her from takin' care of 'em critters."

"What? You sayin' she the crazy bitch who keeps a bear in her backyard?"

Applejack winced as she looked away from CJ. "Ah wouldn't call my friend that, and Ah'd appreciate it if y'all could show some respect. But yes, she has a lot of animals, including a bear."

"Aw, shit, my bad. I didn't mean to dis her or anythin'. That's just the way I talk, y'know?"

"Ah guess."

The young man looked up at the Sun for a few seconds. "Hm... you sayin' nothing will stop her from tendin' to her animals, right?"

"Yup. Why?"

"What's her name?"

"Fluttershy. Why? What are ya gonna-"

"FLUTTERSHY! C'MON OUT, GIRL! QUICK! IT'S YO' BEAR, MAN! I THINK THE MOTHERFUCKER'S DEAD!"

"CJ! WHAT IN TARNATION!"

"Shut up, you gonna ruin it! Fuck's sake!"

"Don't you realize what you just-" Applejack was cut off by a very angry Fluttershy slamming her door open. The yellow pegasus flapped her wings and crossed her forehooves as she hovered a few feet in the air, scowling at Carl.

"I don't know if that's a joke where you come from, but that was _not_ a nice thing to say. It would be a terrible, terrible thing if Harry died! I don't care who you are, but I will _not_ allow you to be mean to me, or to my animals. Do you understand, mister?"

The young man raised an eyebrow before chuckling. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say, man."

Fluttershy dropped to the ground with a squeal as she realized Carl was immune to her Stare. Before she could run back inside, he grabbed her by the tail and lifted her up. "Eep! Let me go! I-if that's okay with you, I mean... Applejack, help! Please!"

Carl facepalmed with his free hand. "Wait! Hold up, man! What happened to friendship, nigga?"

"CJ, will ya tell me what in the hay is that nigga thing y'all keep talkin' about?"

Ignoring the country mare, Carl dropped Fluttershy to the ground, and kneeled down in front of her. "Look, I ain't gonna pop a cap in yo' ass or nothin', a'ight? I didn't mean to scare ya, you just walked in at a bad time, that's all. Applejack and I been talkin' for a while, she a cool girl. Said she was the Element of Honesty or somethin', right? If she says we cool, then we cool."

Applejack wrapped a hoof around Fluttershy's neck. "He's right, Fluttershy. He's a mighty strange fella, but Ah reckon he's alright in mah book."

Looking up at the human, Fluttershy quivered for a few seconds. "Um, I... I... I'm sorry. But please, don't be mean to my animals, mister!"

"I told you my bad, man. I was just tryna get you to come out so we could talk, y'know? We civilized people and shit. Ain't no point in hidin', your ass would be dead already if I wanted to hurt ya."

"T-that's, um... that's reassuring."

"Yeah, sure is." Carl chuckled. "Wait, what did I pick up that scroll for?" he asked rhetorically.

"The scroll somepony threw at me?" Applejack asked, raising her third freckle for today.

"Yeah." CJ unfurled the scroll and cocked his head in confusion. "What's up with that shit?"

"What is it, CJ?" the orange pony asked.

"It looks like... well, it has your name on it, so why don't you read it yourself?"

Grabbing the scroll from CJ's hands, her last three freckles raised themselves instantly as she read the first line out loud.

Applejack. O Applejack. You are the Apple of my eyes.

"What in tarnation?"

"What in the fuck?"

"Eep!"

She kept reading.

You are my muse. You are my jewel. A magnifique jewel, with three shining rubies adorning your already glorious flank. I cannot hold it any longer, my dear Applejack. I want you. I want you all for myself.

Her whole face was red, and sweat was rolling down the sides of her head. Ignoring the disturbed faces of Carl and Fluttershy, she finished reading.

Please, meet me tonight at eleven o'clock sharp, in the alley behind Sugarcube Corner. Come alone.

"Shit, girl! Sounds like you're gon' get some horse cock tonight!" CJ said before laughing out loud.

"CJ!" Applejack shouted angrily, her blush deepening even further. "Don't... don't ya dare talk like that!"

"C'mon, don't start trippin', man. Obviously, you have a secret admirer... I mean, you ain't happy? Shit, I'd be happy. You got someone who totally wants you, man! Ain't that thrilling?" Carl 'asked', waving an arm around to emphasize his point.

"Nope." she said in a neutral tone. The kind of blasé tone that can only come naturally to someone who hasn't given a fuck in a long time, both literally and figuratively. "It's creepy, is what it is." she added, matter-of-factly.

"Aw, c'mon! When's the last time you got laid, man?"

"Laid? What does that mean?"

CJ gave her a deadpan glare. "You for real? Shit... look, if you scared, I can come with you."

True to her Element, Applejack found herself unable to hide the fact she was, in fact, considering going to the 'meeting'. She looked at CJ sheepishly, and sighed. "CJ, Ah appreciate it, but... it says Ah have to come alone."

"Oh yeah? That's too fuckin' bad for 'em then, 'cause my ass is comin' with you whether they want it or not."

"But, that's not-" she was interrupted by Fluttershy tapping her on the shoulder. "What is it, Fluttershy?"

"Um, there's a, um... a scroll."

"No shit?" CJ deadpanned.

"No, I mean, um, it just appeared. You know, a letter from the princess, I think."

Grabbing the letter from Fluttershy's hooves, CJ opened it and unfolded it before either mare could react. "Damn, she replied!"

"What?" both ponies asked in unison.

"I had Spike send Celestia a letter earlier today. She already replied. You want me to read it out loud?"

"Sure, if ya want. It's yer business, partner."

"Um, i-if that's okay with you."

Dear Carl. I do not know why you would believe I am 'up to something', but I am not.

While I do have business to take care of, and I admit it does not necessarily leave me with much time to solve everypony's problems, why you are here is beyond even my knowledge. I am thus unable to help you.

I promise you that I will look into it, but as of now, you are effectively stranded in Equestria. That makes you one of my subjects, and therefore it would be wise to consider changing your behavior.

I have arranged a meeting for us. Twilight Sparkle will come along and ensure that you find your way around Canterlot. She will also keep you safe, and grant you access to the castle. I am expecting the two of you tomorrow at three o'clock in the afternoon.

I must admit I am most interested in learning about certain aspects of human culture.

Sincerely, Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria.

PS: You think you're hot shit? Why don't you tell that hillbilly bitch that she's old enough to get some pussy on her own? So instead of watching Rarity tie her up and ravage her cunt with a double dragon dildo, you can take the train to Canterlot tonight and fite me IRL! I'm the sickest pone u'll ever meet, I'll rek u. I'll go get me sister's Alicorn Amulet and see if that gets ye the fuck outta Ponyville! I sware to Discord, I'll hoof you in the gabber m8!

Both Fluttershy and Applejack were looking at CJ with their eyes widened and their mouths hanging. "W-what... what did ya just say? Carl, yer a darn, disgusting pervert! The princess would never write... this!" the orange mare nearly screamed.

CJ shrugged, unimpressed and unafraid. He showed Applejack the letter.

"Ah knew it! There's no postscript on this here letter, Carl. Why are you lyin'? Why are you sayin' these things? And you think Rarity's the one who's admirin' me? Yer sick!"

"Who the fuck is Rarity? And what the fuck are you talkin' about, man? Look at this shit!" he said, putting a finger on the red post scriptum, contrasting sharply with the black ink used for the rest of the letter. "Just fucking read it, man! What's the matter with you, you can't read?"

She glared angrily at him. "I can read... but that's blank paper, CJ! Whatever it is yer playin' at, Ah don't like it one bit."

"Blank paper? What the fuck, man... Shit, you can't see 'em big ass red letters right here?" he asked in desperation.

"Um..." Fluttershy raised a hoof.

"Red letters? Yer an awful liar... there ain't no such thing as red ink." Applejack said, still frowning hard at Carl, who was starting to feel uneasy.

Clearing her throat, the shy mare glared at her orange friend.

"What is it, Fluttershy?"

"Well, I, um... I remember one day, I was having a picnic with Twilight, and we were talking about books. And there was that book she showed me, a special book made for unicorns. It appeared blank to both of us... but then, she used a spell on it, and text suddenly appeared. She explained to me that it was written with a special kind of magical ink that becomes invisible once it has dried up. She showed me a bottle of that ink, and, um... it was red... if I remember it correctly."

CJ snapped his fingers. "Hey, that's it! You right, man! That's what Twilight and Celestia were talkin' about! They were sayin' I was immune to magic or somethin', so that must mean I can see invisible shit! Man, that's cool."

"Glad I can be of help, mister." Fluttershy said shyly, squeeing as CJ started to pet her.

Applejack frowned even harder, but her frown was no longer directed at CJ. Even though her death glare was no match for the gigantic ball of plasma, she kept staring at the (much larger than usual) Sun. "Ah don't know what you're up to, Princess..." she trailed off, catching a glimpse of Fluttershy happily leaning into Carl, who was smiling and running a hand through her mane. "But you better reconsider, 'cause Ah don't think you know what yer up against..."

She stared back at the Sun, a smirk slowly forming at the corner of her mouth. The camera zoomed on it, before fading to black as a dramatic instrumental jingle played in the background.

* * *

A little circle appeared in the black void, Applejack's muzzle sticking through it. "Hey, wait! That means... Rarity... She wants me an' her to...? Oh, horseapples!" she sighed as she withdrew her muzzle, allowing the chapter to end for real this time.


	5. You've Had Your Ships

Carl woke up in the middle of a barn, laying in a large stack of hay. He stretched his body and yawned as his joints popped loudly. Applejack had been kind enough to let him sleep in her family's barn, but Carl didn't want to think about the orange pony. Not after what he witnessed last night.

As if on cue, Applejack knocked on the barn door. "CJ! Y'all awake in here?"

Groaning, Carl got up and put on his shirt. "Yeah, yeah. Wassup?"

The door slowly creaked open as an orange face appeared. "How ya doin', partner?"

"Fine. 'Sup with you? You gonna be walkin' funny or what?"

The country mare blushed, attempting to hide behind her hat, à la Fluttershy. "CJ! Rarity's a lady! We ain't been doin' anything that ain't ladylike. We did nothin' of the kind ya thinkin' of."

The young man mildly chuckled as he grabbed an apple Applejack threw at him, biting into it hungrily. "I was here, remember? I saw y'all eatin' each other's faces and shit. I don't wanna know what the fuck you did after that, it ain't none of my business, but damn. I saw and did some serious shit in my time, but _this_ shit? Damn, man!"

"We didn't go any further than that." she said quietly, her eyes shifting around. "Sadly."

Carl put his hands up. "Yo, yo, I don't wanna know, okay? For real. What you be doin' with other female ponies truly ain't some' I wanna hear."

"Female ponies are called mares."

"Oh. Well, what we doin' today? Goin' to that Twilight girl an' shit?"

Applejack sighed. "Yup. Ah think yer supposed to meet Princess Celestia this afternoon."

"You comin'?"

"Ah... Ah don't think Ah'm invited." she glared at Carl as she reminded herself of how lonely she felt at times, her work preventing her from having a busy social life. Hopefully Rarity would help with that...

"So what? The letter said the castle was in another city. You need an invitation to go there?"

"No, but-"

"No buts, man! You comin' with us, that's all. You the only normal pony in this damn town, I'mma need you by my side, AJ!"

Applejack blushed again, though for a different reason this time. "Well CJ, Ah... ah, screw it. Ah'm comin' with y'all."

CJ smiled. "Jeah!" he said, motioning to the door with his head. "Let's go, bitch!"

* * *

"Thank you, Applejack. You can go, now." Twilight Sparkle said, ready to close the door on the orange pony. "I will take care of our... friend, here." she added, motioning to Carl and attempting to hide her disgust.

"Negative, Twi! Ah'm comin' too."

"What? But the letter did not mention that-"

"Ah don't care. Ah don't need to be mentioned on a letter to take the train to Canterlot. Ah'm comin', and that's final."

"Alright, alright... Calm down." the purple unicorn paced around, grabbing various things with her magic and periodically crossing stuff off her three feet long checklist.

Carl raised an eyebrow at the sheer amount of stuff Twilight was packing for a few hours in a city that, as far as he knew, was no more than a few miles away. "Why you takin' all that stuff? We only gonna be stayin' for a few hours, right?"

Twilight's left eye started to twitch. "Yes! Yes. We are. We are only gonna stay for a few hours. Right." she spoke really fast, before going back to her 'preparations'.

Carl rolled his eyes and looked at Applejack. "Thank fuck you here, man... They all trippin'."

The country mare smiled at him. "Don't mention it."

"Hey, where's the lil' dragon dude?" Carl asked, attempting to make small talk with the other pony.

Twilight turned her head to look at him, an eyebrow raised. "Spike? He's with Rarity."

"Rarity?" he said in surprise, turning to Applejack. "The mare you fucked last night?"

Her cheeks turned a deep shade of red as she lowered her hat to hide her face from Twilight, who was grinning. "Twilight, Ah swear Ah-"

"Come on, Applejack! It was about time you two hit it off..." she said with a knowing smile.

"But... b-but... Ah..." Applejack stammered.

"Just watch out, you don't want Spike to know about it." Twilight added with a wink.

"Why the fuck not?" Carl's obnoxiously loud voice rang out, causing both mares to frown at him.

"Spike has a crush on Rarity. Nothing serious, he's just a kid..." Twilight stated dismissively.

"Nothin' serious? Are you for real, girl? His ass gon' get rejected, c'mon! We gotta go get him!"

Applejack raised a hoof. "Uh, Ah reckon you ain't aware but Spike's been helpin' Rarity with her work fer over a year, Ah don't think it's gonna change if-"

"Man, you's a damn girl, what the fuck you know 'bout that shit? You can't understand! C'mon, let's get him before we go to that castle place."

* * *

Twilight panted as she slowed down to a fast trot. "Carl! Stop running, for Celestia's sake! I can't keep up!"

Not bothering to look behind him, the young man slowed down too. "What's the matter? You tired?"

"Yes, I am! You're nearly three feet taller than me, you run much faster!"

"More like, your ass is all outta shape. Applejack was leavin' me in the dust yesterday." Carl wasn't too proud of that, but it was true. Applejack ran much faster than he ever could.

"I'm a unicorn... Earth ponies are more fit than us!"

"Yeah, right... you're just a lazy bitch. Now c'mon, let's move! You said the train's leavin' in less than an hour."

"Carl, slow down! I can't! Unicorns are different, we're not as fast, strong or athletic as-"

"Bullshit!" he cut her off. "You and I, we gon' hit the gym when we back from visitin' Miss White Bitch. I'mma make you into a fucking racing machine."

After rolling her eyes at the human's antics, Twilight managed to catch up to him as he stopped in front of the Carousel boutique.

"How did you know where she lived?" the unicorn asked, frowning.

"Man, they been tonguin' each other's throats all night. After meetin' in that alley, they went back here. They didn't even give a shit about me, like I wasn't here. So I just went back to the farm, Applejack's lettin' me stay here for now. But shit, I ain't about to forget the shit I saw through these windows, man..." he said, holding back a retch.

Twilight's frown deepened. "You went with Applejack to that... 'meeting'?"

"Well, yeah. She a big girl an' all, but she wasn't too confident about that shit. Plus, when you get a letter from a stranger sayin' they wanna meet yo ass in a dark alley at night? You better bring a nigga witchu, man."

"Maybe... maybe she's right. I might have misjudged you... still, you're loud and... obnoxious."

Carl shrugged and banged on the door. "Open up!" he shouted, before glancing at Twilight. "You sure she still lives here?"

_Fool, she told you._

The door opened and an agitated Rarity appeared. "Oh, Twilight, darling. What can I do for-, oh... and um, mister Carl, is it?"

"Yeah. 'Sup, baby? What's crackin'?"

"Uh... Please, come in. I was just, uh... trying to get some work done." she said nervously before turning back. "Argh, Sweetie Belle! Stop that!" she shouted inside.

Carl and Twilight looked at each other and shrugged before following the white fashionista inside her home and workplace.

The two of them chuckled and facehoofed, respectively, at the little white unicorn with a curly pink and violet mane who had managed to set a bowl of oatmeal on fire.

"Sweetie Belle, please! Just... just go back into your room, alright? I will clean up your... mess." Rarity pleaded as she tried to put out the fire.

"I'm sorry, Rarity! I just wanted to help."

"I know. I know..."

"Well, I'll be in my room..." the little filly said in a sad tone, before trotting up the stairs. A voice crack followed. "Hey, Spike! Wanna play doctor?"

Had she been drinking anything, Twilight Sparkle would have done a spit take. Rarity simply giggled. "Ah, kids..."

"What do you mean, Rarity? Aren't you worried that Sweetie Belle might do something to-" Twilight was cut off by Rarity as the white unicorn sat down and levitated a cup of tea in front of her friend.

"Why, of course no, I am not worried. Those two are always together these days... They really like each other, I think." she smiled, blushing sightly.

"But Twilight said he had a crush on yo white ass." Carl chimed in, blunt as ever.

Ignoring Carl himself, Rarity smiled at her purple friend. "That was weeks ago, Twilight. I think he gave up when I told him that he... um... well, no matter." she giggled awkwardly, a faint blush creeping onto her face. "What did you need, anyway?"

Twilight sighed. "Well, _nothing_," she spat out, nearly shouting the second word as she shot Carl a death glare, before her voice returned to its usual volume, "I'm sorry to have wasted your time, Rarity...".

"Nonsense, darling. You're always welcome here. Oh, by the way, where is Applejack?" she asked, nervously shifting in her seat.

"She stayed at the library, preparing things. We're leaving for Canterlot in about forty minutes."

Rarity's eyes lit up. "Canterlot?"

"Gon' meet the princess an' all." Carl said to nopony in particular.

Twilight rolled her eyes. "We need to go now. Thanks anyway, Rarity. Bye!"

"Later, man."

"Yes, yes... later, creature." she groaned once she thought he was out of hearing range.

Carl shrugged at the white mare's attitude towards him. _'Between the big horse and that bitch... all 'em white ones be racist as shit.'_, he thought.

Once they were outside, Twilight angrily jabbed Carl in the thigh with a hoof. "Now what? With your nonsense, we lost time and we're gonna be tardy!"

The yound man raised an eyebrow. "Tardy? And what the fuck, man? Takin' care of Spike is nonsense to you?"

Taken aback by CJ pointing out just how shitty attitude her attitude was as of late, Twilight thought for a few seconds before replying. "Well, no, but... what is it to you, anyway?"

"He's the only other guy I met so far, man! I'm used to bein' surrounded by girls in bed, but not in everyday life! Solidarity between men, in a land full of bitches, you know?"

Twilight booped herself on the muzzle (because facehoofing is too _mane_stream). "Didn't you meet Applejack's brother?"

"Oh... that big ass red dude? Yeah, I did... ah, whatever man, fuck you."

The purple mare thought about conjuring up a chair and bashing CJ's face in with it, but she ultimately decided against it. The princess' letter was very clear about his presence being required...

Celestia had been acting so strangely lately, and nothing she had done during the past week was really adding up...

As her biggest 'fan', Twilight was really looking up to her mentor, but for the first time in her life, she didn't see her role model... instead, she saw a mare acting strangely. A mare whose attitude and recently questionable behavior were getting on her nerves.

They walked back to the library in silence, and after gathering Applejack, Twilight's checklist and a few other necessary things, along with several pounds of unnecessary things, the three 'friends' were on their way to Canterlot.

* * *

Getting off the train, CJ glanced at his wrist. "We have twenty minutes, man! C'mon, let's move. Bitch ain't gonna be waitin' forever."

Twilight grabbed his watch with her magic, effectively yanking his arm backwards as he tried to move. "Carl, you need to calm down. I don't want you to act like that around the princess."

He grabbed his watch with his other hand and glared at the pony. "Hey yo, stop that shit. I am who I am. I ain't gonna stop actin' the way I always did 'cause some petty fuckin' horse told me to, a'ight? Now let's do the damn thing, and be outta here. I already don't like this place."

Striding forward despite not knowing where to go, Carl was soon out of hearing range, though his tall stature didn't make him exactly hard to track down, even in the busy, crowded streets of Canterlot. Twilight turned to Applejack. "How can you get along with him? He's insufferable!"

"Ya just gotta go along with whatever he says, ya know? Ignore the strange words he uses, ignore his constant swearin' an' all, and don't try to argue with what he says."

Twilight shook her head. "That sounds an awful lot like dealing with an overly authoritarian, yet stupid pony... but then, I guess that except for the pony part, that's what he is, isn't it?"

Applejack rolled her eyes and started trotting after the young man, who was currently trying to walk around without kneeing ponies in the face with each step he took.

"CJ! Quit yer runnin', darn it! Y'all don't even know where we goin'!"

Turning around, he saw the two mares running up to him. "Well, she said we were gonna meet her ass in the castle, right?" he said, before pointing a finger at the gigantic castle in front of them. "Unless there's another one of these 'round here or some shit, I figured this is what we're headin' for."

Both ponies shrugged and took the lead as CJ followed them lazily, eventually bumping into a tall, thin white mare. He raised an eyebrow as he looked at the slender unicorn, his eyes trailing off, and focusing on the white appendage resting on her forehead. What the fuck was up with these horns, and his urges to... touch them?

"Fleur, my dear! Are you all right?" a haughty voice spoke from behind. CJ turned around and saw yet another white pony, this time a stallion, with a blue mane, a monocle and a moustache.

"Yes, Fancy. Thank you." the mare said, dusting herself off.

Ignoring 'Fancy', CJ wrapped an arm around the pony's thin frame and lifted her up, his face scrunching in confusion as he put on a (pointless) show, trying to roughly evaluate her weight.

"Let go off me!"

"Fleur!" the stallion shouted, though he would never do as much as making a move to help her. "Let her go, you... thing!"

"Shit." Dropping the poor pony, CJ shrugged. "Trash can bitch."

Fancy Pants trotted away with his assistant after having helped her back onto her hooves. "The princess will hear about this, you foul creature!"

CJ turned back and shouted, "We headin' for a meeting with her right now, you pimp motherfucker!".

Ignoring the glares most of the members of Canterlot's high society were giving him, CJ kept walking towards the giant castle. Both Twilight Sparkle and Applejack wanted to shrink and hide. Or die. Or anything that could get them away from CJ, and away from the prying eyes of hundreds of upper class ponies having just witnessed their 'friend' acting the only way he knew how to act: TWO HUNDRED PERCENT NIGGA.

* * *

"Look, fool. You tell us where Celestia is, and we outta here."

Twilight deadpanned at CJ, who had just single-handedly defeated about ten royal guards after he had failed to (calmly) 'state his identity and business'. She had just had enough. It had been barely a couple of hours, and she was already beyond getting angry. She was, as he would put it, tired of this shit. Applejack was laughing at the pegasus guard squirming in the human's grip. She couldn't help but find CJ's radical personality and attitude attractive. In a _'darn, Ah wanna hang with that fella'_ kind of way.

Content with his work, the human walked back to the two ponies and gave them a thumbs up. "That fool said we was goin' to the throne room."

"Yes, that's where I would have led you if you had let me do the talking." Twilight stated, trying to remain calm. She then turned to Applejack, "I think you're going to have to stay there, Applejack."

The country mare glared at her friend, then at the knocked out royal guards lying around, and finally at the unguarded door. "Ah'm comin', Twi."

CJ chuckled. "Man, those guys suck. They work for B-Dup or what? This is what the princess uses as her personal guard? Bitch needs to learn how shit works."

Doing her best to ignore her 'guest', Twilight kept walking forward, knowing the castle better than her own library. "Come, this way." she said, motioning to a giant, fancy, golden double door.

"Don't we have to wait or anythin'?" Applejack chimed in.

CJ looked at her. "It's not even guarded! And look, she makes us come all the way here, and we the ones who'd have to wait? Fuck that, man! We goin' in." he said as he walked past the two mares and pushed the doors open.

* * *

"No, sister. I assure you, I can handle the situation."

"We do not now, Tia. You look really tired. Maybe you should let us discuss with that human. After all, we know best what it is to be somewhere we do not fit in."

Glaring at her younger sister, Princess Celestia stood up. "Luna, please. Just go back to sleep, everything is under control."

"We..." Luna trailed off, remembering what happened the last time she got into a serious argument with her sister. At nearly twenty-eight hundred years old, she was getting too old for this shit. "Fine, we believe you, sister... We wish you the best of luck in your diplomatic meeting."

"Thanks, Lulu."

The Princess of the Night teleported back into her bedchambers as the doors opened, revealing two ponies and just the creature Celestia wanted to see. She had no idea why her feelings were so conflicted, but she was past caring. She had brought him here, and although he was very far from being like she had imagined a human to be... he would have to do. If her thirty-seven hundred and seventy-seven year long life had taught her anything, it would be to always listen to her own needs.

Unless it poses a direct and immediate threat to her kingdom, that is.

She stared at CJ before smiling. Now if only she could figure out what she needed, exactly...

**Author's Note:**

As it turns out, I can't write anything worth shit if it doesn't contain romance / shipping / whatever you want to call it (not that I'm any good at writing romance either, but whatever). So this story _will_ contain some. Yes, including CJ, too. Don't say I didn't warn you...

...but then, if you're still reading at this point, you've had enough warnings anyway.


	6. A Castle In The Hills

The white alicorn rose from her throne, her majestic mane flowing behind her as rays of sunlight glimmered in her magenta eyes. The young human walked lazily towards her, making a strange ghetto sign with a hand as he scratched his balls with the other.

"Carl." she spoke in a composed, yet unusually quiet voice. "I am glad to see that you came."

He raised an eyebrow. "Uh? I ain't no fool, yo majesty. I ain't gon' ignore you or anythin'. I don't pack no heat and y'all have 'em freaky magic horn thingies, so as you said, maybe I'mma try changin' my behavior or something. Y'know what I'm sayin'?"

'_If I can just convince her I'm friendly and shit, maybe I still got a chance to ever go back..._' he thought.

"Um." she cleared her throat and levitated her crown off her head, glancing around nervously. "Carl, there are things that we need to discuss."

Carl looked at Applejack's poker face, and at Twilight's confused expression. "Yeah? Well, I'm listenin'."

Celestia walked up to Carl and looked into his eyes. She was hoping to see something, something that would have betrayed his rough and callous façade... but his dark brown eyes and neutral facial expression were all but impossible to read. In nearly four thousand years, the Princess of the Sun had never seen such an impressive display of not giving a fuck.

"Um... I think I would rather speak to you in private, if you don't mind." she said hesitantly, and she mentally scolded herself. Why didn't she simply teleport the both of them somewhere else? Or, since she probably couldn't teleport _him_, why didn't she tell everypony else to take a hike?

'_But why would I ever do that?_' she thought to herself. '_I am Princess Celestia, I do_ not _behave that way. Why did I even consider it? And why is this human so oblivious to my plight?_'

Carl just shrugged. "A'ight, I'm cool with that. Lead the way."

Eyeing the young man with apprehension as he followed the alicorn, Applejack shook her head. "Careful there, partner... she's up to no good."

Twilight was just gawking, unable to comprehend the fact that her mentor and _friend_ didn't even acknowledge her presence.

* * *

After walking down a few corridors and dismissing two royal guards, the white mare opened a locked door and strided inside the large, dimly lit room, motioning for CJ to follow. Entering the room himself, he stared uneasily at her as he heard the door close and lock itself behind him.

He glanced around uneasily. "So uh, watchu wanted to talk about, man? Did I do somethin' bad? Anything? I been tryin' to behave, honest!"

Clearing her throat once again, Celestia closed her eyes for a few seconds and took a deep breath. "Carl." she said in the most solemn tone she could manage. "I... I am glad that you are here."

He raised an eyebrow. "What?"

She closed her eyes again in shame. "I said, I am glad that-"

"Yo, you said that already, man, c'mon!" he cut her off. "You told me to come, I came, that's all. I know how this royalty thing works. I mean, this your kingdom, you's a queen-princess-thing an' all. You ask others to do shit and they do it, and they don't question it, whatever it is. Ain't that how shit works here?"

She let out a sigh and turned her head away. "Yes... yes, that is pretty much how things work." she said in a sulking tone, having grown bored centuries ago of _everypony_ acting all formal and serious while around her. "But, I am somewhat surprised to see that _you_ simply did what I asked you to do."

Carl chuckled. "Well, what was I gonna do, man? It ain't like I got a lot of things to do, either! And what's up with yo letter yesterday? I mean, I'd have come here to beat yo ass up an' all, but I needed some time alone after seein' the shit I saw last night. How'd you know it was that white pony who wanted to fuck AJ's brains out, anyway? That was creepy as fuck, for real."

Celestia's heartbeat increased as she cast a spell to hide her blush. She wasn't sure whether Carl could see right through it, but if he could, he didn't seem to care. "As the Princess, it is my duty to make sure my subjects are-"

"Yeah look, I don't give a shit." he said matter-of-factly, cutting her off for the second time in less than a minute. "AJ does whatever she wants with whoever she wants. Yo, if she wanna get it on with another female horse, that's cool an' all, you know? I mean, as long as she's happy, and as long as it ain't about me, I'm cool with it. Now, you wanted to talk to me in private, right?"

"Right. I'm sor-"

"So obviously, that shit ain't what you wanted to tell me. I doubt you'd have made me come all the way here, and inside your own castle just so that we could talk about who's fucking who and shit. And I don't think you'd have minded the presence of other ponies to simply scold my ass, either. So just tell me whatever it is you wanted to tell me, and we both go on about our business."

Celestia did her best to keep a decent poker face "Yes... right. I needed to, um... I needed to see humans... um, for research. Human research. Yes, you see, I needed to study and research things about humans."

Carl deadpanned. "You gonna tell me _that_ is what all this shit is about? You needed us to be alone to tell me that? What kinda shit you gonna do, then? You gon' ask me to drop my pants or somethin'?"

Her horn glowing brightly as she tried in vain to hide her dark red cheeks, Celestia closed her eyes and sighed once more. "I, um... No. Well, I think I have gathered enough information for now. I will see you another time, Carl." She gave him a sheepish, forced smile, and slowly walked towards the door, breaking eye contact. "Anyway, I am glad that you have accepted to come to Equestria. I promise you that you will enjoy life here."

"Jeah... I guess." Carl shrugged, before realizing what Celestia had just said. "Wait, what the fuck? So, you sayin' you the one who brought my ass here? And just to study me?" he said angrily, walking up to the mare.

"Carl, I-"

"Fuck you, man! I ain't never accepted no shit like that! You don't do that!"

Backing up into a corner, Celestia started sweating. "I-"

"You ain't got no fuckin' respect for others, man! What if a motherfucker just snatched you and threw yo white ass right in the middle of fucking Idlewood? Bein' stranded in a weird ass world without another member of your species on the entire planet, and in the middle of thousands of dangerous motherfuckers blastin' on each other with fucking machine guns? You'd enjoy that, you crazy bitch?"

"I'm... I'm sorry." she simply said, turning her head away as she strained to maintain her composure. She teleported out of Carl's way, and in front of the door, before opening it. "Come on, we are done here."

Carl shook his head and took deep breaths. Much to his surprise, he didn't find it _that_ hard to calm down. Maybe the lack of weapons and gang warfare was helping... maybe seeing Celestia looking genuinely distraught was helping, as well.

Besides the fact that he enjoyed seeing even royalty cowering before his might, he wasn't a mindless, cold-blooded killing machine, either. Unlike some of 'em motherfuckers... that mute asshole who gave him his (now pretty successful) garage, for example. Heh, what a stupid fuck. Or that Tommy dude Ken Rosenberg mentioned once... that guido sounded like a straight fucking lunatic.

But what the hell was that all about? The ruler of another world took him away from his own world to study his species? Carl would almost feel flattered that he had been chosen out of several billions of other humans. If he weren't stranded in a different dimension full of weird ass cartoon horses, that is.

* * *

"Princess! Are you alright?" Twilight rushed to her mentor as soon as she appeared back in the throne room. After all, she was gone for nearly five minutes and thirty-six seconds...

"Yes, Twilight. I am alright. I apologize for my behavior, earlier... I had some problems that needed to be taken care of. You can go, now. Go back home." Celestia said coldly, her left eye twitching violently.

Carl appeared from behind a corner and nodded to Applejack. "C'mon. Let's get up outta here, yo. We ain't got no business in this motherfucker no more, man." he angrily strided across, and out of the room, slamming the double door behind him.

Applejack blinked twice rapidly. "What just happened?"

Both horned mares shared a quick hug before Twilight trotted back to the door, opening it. "Let's go, Applejack. We need to catch a train before dark." she glanced back to the disheveled princess, and shook her head as the usually majestic mare disappeared in a flash of light. "We also need to catch up with your human friend. I'm afraid he might have done something to Princess Celestia..."

* * *

The orange pony glared at her purple friend as they passed Princess Luna's bedchambers door. "Twilight! Will ya tell me what in the hay is goin' on?"

"Well, I..." finally letting out her worry, Twilight's voice raised dangerously. "I don't know, Applejack! I have never seen Princess Celestia acting like that! It's like, she's a different pony... What did she tell him? And what did he tell her? Did he do anything to her? What's going on with those two?"

"Ah don't know, Twi. Why'd you-"

"WHAT DID SHE HAVE TO SAY TO HIM? WHAT WAS SO IMPORTANT THAT EVEN I COULD NOT LISTEN?" she screamed, literally shaking Applejack with her magic grip.

"Calm down, Twi! Yer scarin' me!" the country mare said, her voice shaking.

Twilight calmed down immediately and hugged her friend. "Oh, I'm so sorry, Applejack! I'm just... I'm just so anxious! I mean, what if something happens to Princess Celestia? Who is going to rule Equestria? I'm not ready to take on such responsibilities just yet!"

Applejack raised a freckle. "And why would _ya_ rule Equestria?"

Twilight deadpanned, as if the answer were the most obvious thing in the world. "Well, it's my destiny to follow in the hoofsteps of Princess Celestia! Why else would have she taken me as her protégée?"

Applejack's deadpanned again, her deadpan arguably deadpanner than Twilight's already quite deadpannable deadpanning deadpan. "Yer tryin' to say yer gonna be a princess?"

"Well, I hope so."

She shook her head and facehoofed. "Ah think CJ's right. Ah'm the only normal pony in this town."

"What do you mean?"

"Twilight, Ah don't mean to disrespect you, Ah'm not tryin' to say ya can't be a princess, but... well, aside from that, Celestia has a sister, who is also a princess. Ya remember?"

Before she could answer, Twilight heard a loud voice coming from behind them. "Many ponies seem not to. What about thee? Hast thou forgotten about us, Twilight Sparkle?"

"Princess Luna!" Twilight beamed. "What are you doing here?"

"This is our castle. Thou art in front of our bedchambers... dost thou find it strange for us to be here?"

"Uh, no, that's not what I-"

"We do not always sleep during the day... anyway, we are sorry, but we do not have time to talk. Our sister is in need of our help." Luna said, waving a hoof dismissively.

Twilight rushed to the blue alicorn's side, and grabbed ahold of her forelegs. "Princess Luna! What's wrong with your sister? What's happening to her? Please, answer me!"

Luna sighed and gently pushed Twilight's hoof away. "We cannot answer thy question. Our sister would not approve of us revealing her darkest secrets to anypony."

The purple mare stared angrily at the taller pony. "I'm not anypony! I'm- wait, her darkest secrets? What do you mean?" she asked as Luna teleported away. "Damn it! What's wrong with everypony today?"

"Ah don't know, Twi, but Ah have the feelin' we ain't gonna know anytime soon..." Applejack shrugged. "Fuck this shit, man, all of 'em motherfuckers be trippin'."

"APPLEJACK!" Twilight shrieked as her eyes grew wide.

"What?" she answered with a smirk. "Ya don't seem to mind it too much when it's CJ's who's talkin' like that... ya should try it, it feels real good to just let it out."

"But, but you..." she trailed off and frowned, before something clicked in her head. "Hey, I think you just gave me an idea." the lavender mare said much more calmly. A faint smile even formed at the corner of her mouth as she spotted Carl, who was wearing a black balaclava as he sneakily made his way around a corner, carrying a small silver statue. "Carl!" she called after him.

The 'stealthy' human turned around, startled by Twilight's high pitched voice. He gave her the middle finger, dropping his 'prize' in the process. "You won't catch me, fools!" he shouted, before breaking into a sprint.

Twilight rolled her eyes. "CARL! Wait! We're gonna have a party tonight! Do you want to come?"

He stopped and turned back, raising an uninterested eyebrow. "Does the princess shit in the woods?"

"What?"

"Aw, whatever, dude. As long as there's some booze, I'm down." he said, before averting his gaze on a large television nearby, his eyes shining with _POWERFUL NIGGATRY_.

"More than you could possibly handle." Twilight smirked as the young man failed to lift the massive, several thousand pounds pure gold television, before muttering to Applejack, "I hope Rainbow Dash isn't busy tonight...".

* * *

"Sister! What have you done?"

Startled by the sudden appearence of Luna, Princess Celestia jumped to her hooves and stammered. "L-Lulu? Nothing! It's alright, I assure you! I've got everything under control! I just needed to-"

"CELESTIA! WE, THE ROYAL PRINCESS LUNA OF EQUESTRIA, ORDER THEE TO INFORM US OF THY PROBLEMS. BY THE MOON, YOU _WILL_ ANSWER US AT ONCE!"

The guards nearby scurried away, wincing in pain as they miserably tried to cover their ears. Clearly, the royal Canterlot voice wasn't meant to be heard by everypony...

"Luna, listen... I can't. I can't do that."

Luna shook her head and dropped the caps lock. "Tia... what is wrong with you? What is it that you claim you cannot do?"

"I can't tell him!"

"What cannot you tell? And to whom?"

The white mare sank in her throne. "The human..." she trailed off, looking away from her sister. "Luna. When was the last time you saw me with a stallion?"

Luna stared for a few seconds before erupting in laughter, although Celestia's glare calmed her down quickly. "Sister, we... we do not remember. Surely, it has been a long time."

Looking longingly out of the window, _her_ window, Celestia gazed at the sky. "Yes... yes, it has. I thought I could just... Ah, Luna! What have I become?"

The Princess of the Night conjured up her own throne and took a seat beside her sister. "Tia, why don't you explain us everything from the beginning? Tell your little sister what is wrong, and we promise we will do whatever it takes to help you. Whatever is happening, we are sure that it is nothing that cannot be sorted out."

"I wouldn't be so sure about it, Lulu. I... What kind of a princess am I? When did I start thinking than taking a sentient being away from his home world just to keep me company would be a good idea?"

Luna's face fell. "No... y-you did what?" she asked in disbelief, a look of worry on her face. "Please, sister, tell us you did _not_ do that!"

"I did..."

Staring at Celestia, Luna's worried expression turned into a strong disapproving glare. "Why? Why, Tia?"

"I thought... I thought maybe, just maybe... maybe a human could be the answer."

"The answer to what, Celestia?"

"Well, you see... humans do not value respect as much as we do. Especially when it comes to other species, given that there are not other sentient species on their planet. And as I expected, he is not intimidated by me. He might be trying to behave because of his current predicament, but even knowing who I am, he doesn't care about being nice or polite with me. If anything, I think he would treat me worse than the average pony because of that, if he could."

Luna stared in silence at her older sister' shameful face for a few minutes, before putting a hoof to her chin. "So... let us understand. You simply summoned a strange, tall and potentially dangerous alien lifeform from another dimension, with the sole intention of making him your special somepony?"

"I... I know. It already sounded bad in my head, but... the way you put it... I'm an horrible pony, Luna!"

"Calm down, sister. Was that really the only reason you summoned this human? To _keep you company_, as you put it?"

"Well, n-no..." she stammered, blushing. "Actually, their fingers are better than magic, their stamina is legendary, and their size coupled to their bipedal posture make them-"

"Stop!" Luna cut her off. "We... we do not think we wish to know any more than you have already told us."

Celestia sank even further in her (thankfully extra cushy) throne. "What am I gonna do now, Luna? I cannot even send him back!"

The Princess of the Night took a moment to think, and her face lit up as she clapped her front hooves together. "We know! ...well, we might have an idea, at least. Normally, we would never even consider suggesting such a thing, but... maybe you could _make_ him want to keep you company. After all, you are a princess, Tia. We know you aren't fond of using your royal title to get your way, but... we know you do not like it when ponies treat you with too much zeal. While you could teach him some respect, we do not think that he would ever be overly formal with you. And you are a beautiful mare, you are powerful and you are part of the glorious alicorn master race. If you find a way to get to him, in time, he may learn to enjoy your company."

Celestia pondered her sister's words for a while, before sighing. "Maybe... but... but did you see him, Luna? He's an annoying, obnoxious, dangerous... nigga!"

Luna raised an eyebrow before asking, "What's a nigga?".

"I'm not really sure. That's the word he uses to refer to himself, and to his 'homeboys'... whatever that means. Do you think someone like him has domestics?"

The dark blue alicorn shrugged. "Anyway, we believe you can change him. You are Celestia, for crying out loud! You can do whatever you please, sister... if you set your mind to it, this should be a rather easy task. It could even be _fun_!" she said, happy to have successfully used the word she learned only a couple of weeks ago.

"You... you think so?"

"Of course. You should start by explaining him what you have just told us. Maybe not in such a blunt way, but... he has been treating our dear subject Applejack with respect, so far. Surely, he cannot be as barbaric as you made him out to be. He could probably understand."

"I... I don't know... maybe you're right. I could... I could write him a letter. And then, maybe..."

"Damn it, Tia! You're over thirty-seven centuries old, and you still can't muster the courage to talk to somepony in person?"

Celestia blushed. "Shut up, Lulu. I haven't seen you talking to Pip..."

It was Luna's turn to blush, though it was hardly noticeable with her dark blue coat. "Tia! He's a kid! We are nearly three millennia older than him!"

"So? You are a princess, too. You and I, we make the laws!"

"We do not... _You_ do."

"You have a say in those laws, Luna! And no law of mine will prevent my sister from being happy... unless it involves, you know, eternal night."

Luna's blush deepened. "We do not even know if he likes us..."

Celestia giggled. "Lulu... are you serious? He built a small altar to your name in his closet! He painted his entire room dark blue, and he got your cutie mark stitched onto his pillow, which he cuddles with every night! Are you too scared of spoilers to visit his dreams? Though I would wager that even for a colt his age, the things you would see could make lesser mares feel uncomfortable... but it would ease your doubts for sure."

"We... maybe we will consider it. For now, we do not wish to talk about it any more. Either way, that does not change the issue at hoof. You _must_ make the human like you, Tia. Ordinarily, we would be completely opposed to such actions, but you must, lest he will have been abducted in vain."

'_Or, he could just live in Ponyville and enjoy his new life the way he sees fit..._' Luna thought. '_But, we do _not_ want our sister to be alone anymore... we are tired of her never leaving us any fucking cake! Clearly, our craving for cake must take precedence over the happiness of a strange ape. It is for the greater good of Equestria._'

"Abducted? You make me sound like a monster, Luna..." Celestia stopped talking when she saw her sister's glare. "Anyway, how do I do?"

"How would we know? We are a virgin."

"What does that have to do with anything? You..." Celestia's face lit up in realization. "Oh, right. It was before... things have changed, Lulu. Dating and relationships work pretty differently today than they did centuries ago."

"We are aware, but many things have stayed the same. Let us think..."

"Luna... maybe I shouldn't have asked _you_."

"Nonsense. We will help you, sister. Hm, maybe you could take him out on a romantic dinner? A date with Princess Celestia herself! That could leave _nopony_ indifferent! The simple fact of asking him out will shatter his confidence and make him blush like a little colt!"

Celestia deadpanned. "Luna, does he look like the romantic type to you? Besides, I don't think I could afford to be seen in public, in such... strange conditions. Even though I am the princess, and I _can_ do as I please, as you keep reminding me... it doesn't mean I _should_ do as I please."

Luna shrugged and conjured a pair of black, round sunglasses. "Yeah, we grasp that, Tia. All we're doing is contemplating the ifs."

The Princess of the Sun frowned and raised her voice. "I don't wanna hear about no motherfucking ifs! All I wanna hear from your flank is, 'you ain't got no problem, Tia, I'm on the motherfucker. Go back in there and chill 'em ponies out, and wait for my plan, which should get him to like you'."

Rolling her eyes, the dark blue alicorn deepened her voice. "Thy problem is no more, dear sister. We are on the motherfucker. Go back to Ponyville and bring peace upon thy subjects, and wait for our plan, which should get him to _love_ thee."

"Shit, Lulu! That's all you had to say!"

They both chuckled and Celestia got up, adjusting her crown. "But seriously, I think I am going to stay here for now... I will go to Ponyville tomorrow, for now I need to rest. So, what is your plan?"

"Well... why don't you give him a tour of the castle? Tell him about the history of Equestria, and about your countless victories and achievements! If he knew how powerful you were... surely, not even such a crude creature could resist you." Luna said, smiling.

The white mare's face dropped. "No offense, Lulu, but... I don't think this would work, either. Carl seems like the type who would expect _me_ to adapt to _his_ lifestyle, laugh at _his_ jokes and talk while _I_ listen. Not the other way around... besides, he seems to have himself a history of victories and feats that would put mine to shame. Especially for a simple mortal being who cannot use magic, and who is thirty-seven hundred and fifty years younger than me."

Luna stood up and sneered. "Fine, but then why asking _us_ for advice, Tia? You talked to him, we did not... what does he like to do?"

"I... I don't know. According to my faithful student Twilight Sparkle, he likes 'gangbanging', 'getting shitfaced with his homies' and 'doing a drive-by on Balla turf'."

"We have no idea what gangbanging means, and we do not believe drinking hefty amounts of alcohol would be a good idea, however... we suppose a drive-by is the equivalent of a fly-by, isn't it?"

"I don't know, Luna... what's a fly-by?"

"It's an ancient technique we used to teach our royal night guards, long before our banishment... Have you really never heard about it?"

"No..." Celestia said, shame tangible in her voice. "How does it work?"

"It is simple. A few unicorns ride in a carriage flown by a squad of pegasi over a target. The unicorns can then freely attack the target with magic beams while remaining airborne and moving, making potential retaliation close to impossible."

"And how would you suggest Carl and I do _that_?"

Luna raised an eyebrow. "Well, simply have him mount you, and go fire solar beams at Chrysalis' hive or something." she said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Celestia's face started to look more like a beet than a face. "Mount me?"

"Yes, mount you. Straddle you."

"Luna, are you trying to say that-"

"No, Celestia! We are not suggesting what you think we are!" Luna shouted, exasperated. "What we were trying to say is that you should have him get on your back. You could also give him weaponized unicorn magic. This way you could go and blast on cheeselegs' crib, while flying low enough so that _he_ could pop one in a motherfucker, too. Goddamn, that shit is simple, Tia."

"You're starting to sound like him... Luna, are you a nigga too?"

_I'm a nigga! Are you a nigga too? Let's drive to the 'hood! *throws plastic car*_

* * *

Twilight Sparkle smiled as she opened her door. "Ah, Rainbow! We were waiting for you."

"Hey, Twilight. What's up?"

"The party is about to start. I wanted to introduce you to somepony."

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. "Who?"

"You'll see. Come inside, Rainbow Dash."

"Twi, that 'joke' got old like, three years ago." the pegasus said, frowning as she followed her nerdy friend inside her tree-house-library-whatever.

Sitting in a circle around an empty bottle were Applejack, Rarity, Lyra Heartstrings, Pinkie Pie, a strange gray pony with a dull violet mane and strange clothing, and another much stranger, brown creature with even stranger clothing. Twilight motioned to the bottle sheepishly. "That was Pinkie's idea, I promise..."

The pink pony rolled her eyes. "Well, duh! Of course it was my idea! I'm Equestria's partiest party pony, and I-" she was cut off by Carl's hand clamping her mouth shut. Whatever that thing was, Rainbow was already liking him. He smiled at her and flashed her a strange sign with his hands.

"Yo, man, wassup? We was waitin' on yo ass. C'mon, we gon' do this shit."

**Author's Note:**

This chapter took way too long and I had to rewrite it like 69 times... I'm still not too happy with how it turned out, nor with where the story is going, but I guess that's the price I'm paying for starting a story on a whim with a few thousand words and no idea where I was going with it...

I'm becoming hard-pressed to keep CJ in character without him sounding more like a clichéd black Anonymous ersatz with a few San Andreas references thrown in for good measure, and Celestia's 'problems' might end up slowly backing me up in a corner.

However, experience taught me that backing yourself up in a corner only makes it all the more impressive when you manage to escape with a screen-shaking sprinting jump and... yeah no, this ain't CoD zombies, my bad.

So yes, if everything is going to shit, blame me. I'm still gonna try to scavenge what I can, and although I'll probably end it sooner than I would have wanted to, I still have a pretty original idea for the ending (at least, original by HiE standards). Also, sorry to those who haven't seen Pulp Fiction... well, actually, no. I'm not sorry, go watch the fucking thing right now you ignorant fools.


	7. Wrong Side Of The Town

Sitting down between Applejack and the new creature, Rainbow Dash smirked. "Alright! So, who's going first?"

Applejack raised a hoof. "Well, CJ's our guest, after all... so Ah suggest maybe he should go first, ya know?"

Twilight frowned. "Easy there, girls. First things first. Lyra, Maud and Rainbow haven't even met him yet! Let him introduce himself..." she said, nodding to Carl. "Go ahead, Carl."

"Lyra and I met, actually, but whatever you say. Name's Carl Johnson, but I guess you can call me CJ. What's up with y'all?"

Rarity sneered, Applejack smiled, Twilight didn't really give a fuck, Lyra started drooling, Pinkie bounced up and down as usual, and her sister deadpanned (as usual).

Rainbow extended a hoof, which Carl shook without much enthusiasm. "I'm Rainbow Dash, fastest flyer in all of Equestria."

"Damn, man, you look like you from King's or somethin'... but that's cool, I guess." the young man said before turning his gaze towards the silent gray mare. "And 'sup with you, baby? What's yo name, girl?"

Pinkie Pie smiled and nudged her sister. The Earth pony gave Carl her trademark deadpan as she simply said, "Maud".

Taken aback by the sight of a sentient being that would give him a run in terms of not giving a fuck, Carl frowned before shrugging. "Oh. A'ight, it's nice to meet you, man, wassup?"

Still deadpanning, Maud answered flatly, "The sky?".

"Uh... okay. Maybe we should start?" Rainbow Dash chimed in.

"Man... how you play this shit?" Carl asked, having no idea how 'sitting in a circle around an empty bottle' could possibly be played. "Is it like, a drinking game or something?"

Everypony except Maud started blushing.

"What? Did I say somethin' wrong?"

"Humans don't play spin the bottle?" Twilight asked.

"I don't know, man! Niggas do whatever the fuck they want with their bottles, man! But I usually drink from the motherfuckers, that's all."

"Well, it's really simple. You'll see."

"A'ight, whatever, let's just do this thing. So, I start?"

"Yeah, just spin it."

Carl spun the bottle and watched, still without much enthusiasm, as it stopped on a mortified Rarity. Oblivious to her panic, he stared at the purple unicorn. "So, what now? Do we get free drinks or something?"

Twilight gave him a confused look. "Uh... no? It's not about drinking, Carl... you have to... um, you have to give her a kiss."

He raised an eyebrow. "What the fuck? You ain't never said no shit about kissing no damn horses, man! And I don't even get a drink?"

"But, uh... that's how it works! You spin the bottle, and you kiss whoever it lands on! It's not about drinking!"

"Yeah, whatever. That shit is stupid, I'm outta here." he said in a tone so flat, it made Maud feel slightly moist.

Before he could get up, Rarity scoffed. "Humph! It would have been most unladylike to kiss such a foul beast, anyway."

Carl glared at her. "Watchu sayin'?"

"GIRLS!" Rainbow shouted, exasperated. "...and guy." she added upon seeing Carl's glare. "Can't we just play without drama, for once? Come on, Rarity... And c'mon, CJ! Just give her a quick peck on the cheek... or, maybe you're intimidated by a pony who's barely half your size?" she smirked.

"No way dude, I ain't intimidated. But that shit's still fucking stupid." he said matter-of-factly, not falling for her bait. He turned to a flustered Twilight. "And yo ass said there'd be booze, man! Damn, where it at?"

The lavender unicorn sighed before calling, "Spike!". The little dragon walked down the stairs and glared at the eight creatures sitting in a circle. "Can you get us some beer, please?"

"Twilight, don't you think it's too early to be drinking?"

"Spike, I swear-"

"Hey, don't trip." Carl said, cutting off Twilight before turning to Spike. "Yo man, look at the shit I'm dealin' with here. Gonna have to kiss 'em horses and shit, man... I'mma need the booze, for real. Don't be a punk and help a brother out, dude."

Spike couldn't even find something to answer. He turned around with a near-Maud-level deadpan and walked up the stairs, and into Twilight's personal stash. He never quite understood why she insisted to have alcohol in her own room at all times, but he never really gave a shit, either.

"C'mon, you guys! Just a quick kiss!"

"Fine, Rainbow Dash. But you owe me big time for this." Rarity scowled.

"Yeah dude, that ain't cool." Carl added, frowning at the rainbow-maned pegasus.

Eventually, he rolled his eyes and closed them, leaning forward and giving Rarity a very quick kiss on the cheek as she looked away. He sat back down and looked at the white mare wincing in disgust as she used her magic to levitate a small piece of tissue, furiously rubbing her cheek with it. He would almost have felt offended, but since his arrival in Equestria, he had found his fucks to be surprinsingly scarce, and he was saving them in case of emergency.

Applejack rolled her eyes. "Are ya serious, Rarity? That bad?"

Rarity didn't answer, instead she spun the bottle herself, and smiled as it landed on Applejack.

The country mare blushed, and before she could do anything, Pinkie suddenly sprung up from her sitting position and hit the ceiling, her mane somehow sticking to it as she ended up clapping her front hooves happily, suspended to a wooden board as everypony gawked at her. "Hey! Let's throw a kissing party for Rarity and Applejack! Wooooo! Slobbery kisses for everypony!"

Not waiting for anypony else to say anything, Carl stood up and grabbed Pinkie's tail, tugging forcefully on it until her 'grip' gave up and she landed on his shoulders, frowning. "You human things are no fun at all." she pouted, taking her place back in the circle. '_You're so not fun, I'm gonna ship you with Bon Bon._' she muttered to herself.

The two lovers eagerly leaned forward and gave each other a kiss, which quickly turning into a second kiss, and eventually into a full blown, sloppy makeout session. Carl retched in disgust and put his hands up.

"Aw, man! Not this shit again!"

Much to everypony's surprise, Maud spoke up. "Get a room." she said in her usual emotionless tone.

Twilight sighed. "Girls, you're cheating..." she said, and frowned when neither party broke from their heated embrace. "Alright, that does it. Enjoy your ban."

Both ponies disappeared in a flash of purple light. Carl sighed in relief. "Thanks, Twilight. I didn't wanna watch this shit again, for real."

Before anypony could say anything, Spike walked back down the stairs with easily five times his size in beer, somehow managing to balance all of it in his small arms. Twilight grabbed and opened six bottles with her magic before levitating them around. "Thanks, Spike."

The young dragon gave her the middle finger once she had her back turned and walked back into his room, muttering things about how he's tired of reading, tired of books and tired of doing her fucking housework.

_He's free!_

"Lyra, it's your turn." Twilight said. '_Hey, what the fuck you do that for, man?_' she thought as she watched Spike angrily striding upstairs.

The mint green unicorn spun the bottle and stared at it, eyes wide open as it started to slow down, and eventually stopped... in front of Carl's foot.

"Yes!" she shrieked, foam forming at the corners of her mouth. She glanced around and realized everypony was glaring at her. After clearing her throat awkwardly and calming down a bit, she closed her eyes and puckered her lips, leaning towards Carl, who instinctively put a hand up and pushed her back into her sitting position.

"Hey yo, get off. It landed on Maud, man. Not on me."

"B-but... it landed on your foot! I saw it!"

"Yeah, but that's just because I'm bigger than y'all. Look, man. It was closer to Maud than it was to me. Ain't that right, girls?"

He sure hoped so. Kissing a less-than-willing Rarity and turning her into a flustered mess was almost fun, but a creepy, drooling pony? No fucking way.

Before Lyra could object, Twilight conjured up a small ruler and started doing fancy shit with it for a few minutes, while the others watched, occasionally taking a sip of their beers. Eventually, she put the ruler down and spoke up in her most serious voice, which made her sound on par with the average politician in terms of credibility. "According to my calculations... Carl is right. Technically, it did land on Maud."

Lyra looked down and sighed, before giving Maud a quick peck on the cheek. The Earth mare remained unfazed, though she brushed a hoof against her cheek. "Not a rock." she stated flatly, her deadpan suddenly contagious as everypony exchanged flat stares.

Rainbow stood up a few seconds later. "C'mon, girls! This is way too boring."

"I'm with yo ass on that one, man! Damn, that shit sucks. Yo, just look at the pink one! Even she ain't havin' fun."

Pinkie frowned. "Well, that's because I couldn't throw a kissing party, duh! You ruined it, Carl. You ruined everything."

"Yeah, you ruined it." Lyra chimed in.

Maud jumped in Carl's lap at unreal speeds and gave him a soft, sensual kiss on the chest. "Screw the rules." she said, still as flatly as ever. "I am Maud Pie."

Pushing her off him, Carl got up and kicked the bottle away. "Alright, that does it! The game's null and void, motherfuckers!"

He quickly downed the rest of his beer, and walked towards the door. He reached for the handle when Spike's voice called from up the stairs.

"Carl! Yo, I just got a letter for you, nigga!"

The young man froze up. He turned around and gave Spike an angry look. "What did you say, you lil' bitch?"

"W-what? I said I have a letter for you, and-"

"Nah, not that shit. What you called me?"

"Um... nigga? Y-you said you were a nigga, so... why? I can't call you that? I don't even know what it means!"

"You for real? Man... you ain't no nigga yourself... shit!"

Twilight levitated the letter from Spike's hands, and into Carl's. "That doesn't even make any sense, _nigga_. You human things sure are a strange species."

Carl glared at the purple mare and sighed. Not having anything else to fuel his nigga-moment-o-meter, he dropped the issue and unfurled the scroll, reading it.

Dear Carl,

I want to f

Please make me your

**FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT MAGIC-RESISTANT INK**

I am truly sorry, and I want to apologize. I wish to invite you to a reputed restaurant in Canterlot, tonight, to try and make up for my earlier behavior, and for my wrongdoings. There will be meat-based meals.

I also have a surprise for you, something that I was told you enjoyed back in your home world.

Considering your keen grasp on '_how shit works when you's a princess_', I am expecting your presence. A royal carriage will be arriving shortly.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia of Equestria

"Man... she ain't never gonna leave me alone!" he sighed.

Twilight snatched the letter from Carl's hands and read it, her face turning gradually whiter. "D-does... does that... the princess is... what?"

"I don't know, man! It almost sounds like she's askin' me out on a date or somethin'!" he said, exasperated.

"Is that _really_ from Princess Celestia?" she asked to no one in particular.

Spike glared at her. "Just scan it for her signature, Twilight."

"Her... signature?"

"Well, duh! Anypony could get a dragon to send letters for them! Don't you ever actually check for Celestia's signature before you read a letter?"

"Uh... no?"

Spike sighed as he slammed a claw against his forehead. "Just run a magic scan on the back of the letter, top left corner."

Twilight's horn lit up as she focused on a small area on the little piece of scroll until a hidden piece of text became visible. The purple mare frowned as she read it.

I'm made of magic,

My feathers gleam.

I am perpetual,

I keep the kingdom clean.

Spike smiled. "Yeah, that's the princess' signature, alright. Her newest one... somepony should tell her that it doesn't rhyme properly, though."

Twilight stared at the letter in awe. There were still things she didn't know? That could only mean one thing...

_Lurk more_.

As she was starting to get wet at the thought of having to read some more books, Carl chimed in. "Goddamn! Why they always tryna keep a player down, man?"

Reading the letter a second time, he brought a hand to his chin. The word 'surprise' was intriguing, to say the least.

What was she planning? What could she possibly have for him, that he used to enjoy back home? How could she know anything about him, other than what he told her?

He read it a third time, and eventually made up his mind, shrugging before opening the door. "Hope they got some chicken, man."

"Where are you going, Carl?" Twilight asked.

"What you think? Wherever your bitch ass princess wants me to be, man... she ain't right in the head, but shit, I'm hungry." he said, waving goodbye to the little dragon and the five ponies.

"You're... why?"

"Look, Twilight. Your princess is askin' for me to go, so my ass is goin', that's all. And it beats kissing ponies, anyway... no offense."

Pinkie crossed her forehooves. "You wouldn't know, you meanie."

Twilight blushed and looked down. "_I_ wouldn't know."

At this point, Spike shivered and quickly ran back upstairs.

Rainbow shrugged. "I wouldn't have minded."

Lyra frowned. "You didn't even try."

Maud deadpanned. "Kissing is like eating rocks."

As the gray mare started explaining her analogy as well as the wonders of rock-eating to the other four (confused) ponies, Carl walked out of the library and closed the door behind him. He did _not_ want to hear anything else from that fucking creepy mare.

* * *

Spike was about to walk back into his room when Twilight's bedroom door opened, revealing a disheveled Rarity. "Oh, Spike, dear... where do you think you're going?"

The young dragon stared at his former crush. "Uh...? I was just going to-"

"Not so fast, darling. Surely, my little Spikey-wikey would not turn down an invitation to spend some time not with one, but with two ladies... now, would he?"

"Uh... Rarity, what are you talking about?"

"You will see. Come with us, darling."

"W-wha... I... us?"

Applejack shouted from inside the room. "Yeah, ya remember that dragon code o' yours? Ah don't think ya completely repaid yer debt, sugarcube."

'_I ain't nobody's ass technician, bitch!_' he muttered inaudibly to himself as Rarity's magic slowly levitated him into Twilight's bedroom, filled with a familiar musky scent. Spike didn't even bother fighting back, instead accepting his tragic fate. '_First, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom, and now their sisters... why can't colts have two dicks, too?_' he thought sadly.

* * *

Sitting at a table in a beautiful restaurant in the middle of Canterlot, Carl looked around uneasily. He was somewhat used to luxury, but not with classy, snob ponies everywhere, trying their hardest to keep their distances while still making snide remarks whenever they thought they were out of hearing range. The looks they were giving him, and the princess, weren't making him feel any better, either.

Sipping on a glass of water, Carl cleared his throat, attempting to make small talk. "So, uh... what you do for fun?"

Princess Celestia glared at him, as if he just asked her for a blowjob or something. "For... fun?"

"Jeah... you know, when yo ass ain't sittin' on yo throne an' all, what you do in your spare time? Like, you never chill, hang out with yo friends and shit?"

Bashfully looking away, the white mare sighed. "Not really, Carl. I've been alone for a long time, and most ponies are too intimidated by my mere presence to partake in everyday activities with me."

For the first time, the young man felt truly sorry for the alicorn. "Damn, man! Life must be boring as a motherfucker!"

Celestia had gotten used to the human's foul language by now. It didn't please her, sure, but she was able to simply ignore it. "Yes... sometimes, it truly is."

"Shit... look, you wanna do something? Like, damn, I don't know what you ponies do, but we can hang out if you want."

Smiling warmly, Celestia nodded. "Yes, I think I would like that... so, tell me, Carl. What do _you_ do for fun?"

"I don't know, man. I ain't been havin' much fun in a long time. I been workin' hard to free my brother, and get rid of 'em fucking pushers, you know? I was born in that shit, but cleaning the streets still ain't no fucking fun. Especially when you might just get yo ass capped at any time... I travelled across all of San Andreas, I did a lot of dangerous shit... I killed hundreds of people, man! I could have died at any second during all of that shit."

"I... I cannot imagine how hard it was. I mean, I wouldn't know about that. Being an alicorn, I am essentially immortal..."

Carl raised an eyebrow calmly, finding himself surprised by how fast he had learned to stay cool with crazy shit like that thrown at him every few minutes.

"Immortal? Like, you can't die?"

"Yes. I cannot die."

"How the fuck that works, man? What about if you get popped?"

Celestia deadpanned. "Popped?"

"Shit... what if you get your throat sliced? Your body split in half? Your neck snapped? Crushed? Set on fire? I don't know, man, how the hell can you just _not_ die?"

"Actually, I can die, Carl... However, the circumstances required for me to die are far too unlikely to even be considered."

"So, what if I take a blade and just slice your head clean off right now? You gonna stay alive and reattach it or somethin'?"

"Uh..." for the first time in over twelve hundred years, Celestia found herself unable to answer a serious question. What would happen if her body was to take more damage than she can heal at once, over a very short period of time? As much as she loved staring into her enemies' fearstruck eyes as she simply reattached a severed limb, or healed a two feet long, five inches deep gush in her side... the idea of having a lethal blow delivered to her before she can react was truly scaring her.

"I honestly do not know. Ponies never really aim to kill."

"What about them griffon things, man? Motherfuckers are flying lions! You gonna tell me they ain't tryna kill?"

"They..." the princess trailed off, looking down at the waiter putting down two large plates on the table. "Hey, food's here. Let's eat, Carl."

"What? Ah... whatever, man. I guess."

The waiter bowed and muttered, "Bon appétit!" before walking away.

Carl glared at him. "Bona peetee you too, you Jerry Lewis-liking motherfucker!"

"Carl... calm down. It simply means 'enjoy your meal'."

"For real? Damn. My bad, I thought the motherfucker was dissin' me."

As much as she hated herself for it, Celestia was really enjoying Carl's presence. There was something... natural in his attitude. Something that just screamed, _'I don't take shit from nobody and I don't care, and neither should you'_. To him, she wasn't Celestia, near immortal ruler of an entire kingdom. No, she was just yet another pony from a dimension he was still believing did not exist a couple of days ago. She was wishing she could remember how to 'have fun', or even act informal at all... those times were so far behind her.

Taking a bite of his food, Carl growled. "Man, this tastes like shit."

The mare frowned as she levitated her own fork to her mouth. "Carl, please don't- ew, this tastes like shit."

"Told you, man. C'mon, fuck this place. Let's get up outta here."

"W-what? Right now?"

"Yeah, see how all of 'em motherfuckers be lookin' at us? It's like we the weird ones or some shit."

"Actually, we are."

"Whatever, man... I'm a fucking Grove Street OG! When I walked up into this bitch, I wasn't expectin' em to be all over my ass, but I wasn't expectin' 'em to be starin' at us like that, either. And you the damn princess, man! We ain't gotta take shit from 'em, you know? C'mon, let's show 'em."

"Carl, please... I am Princess Celestia, I can't afford to-"

"Bullshit! You're the princess, as we both keep sayin'. You can afford anything. Now show 'em motherfuckers you be havin' dinner with my ass, and if they ain't happy about it, they can go eat a bag of dicks."

Having long given up on trying to reason him, the white alicorn rolled her eyes. "And how do you suggest I do that?"

"For real? Shit, girl. Lemme show you how you handle this shit." he got up and walked up to a nearby couple, staring them down and putting his arms akimbo. "What you punks lookin' at? You want some of this shit?" he growled, balling his right hand into a fist.

The stallion sitting at the table stammered, raising a defensive hoof. "Uh no, no! We... I'm sorry, we don't want any trouble!"

"You damn right you don't want no trouble! Now you mind your own fucking business, and stop givin' me and the girl weird looks, you got that?"

"Yes, yes! I got that, I'm sorry!"

"Good. Bona peetee, motherfucker."

Celestia couldn't help but chuckle. She knew how much trouble she was gonna get in for this, but... it was worth it. For the first time in centuries, she was enjoying herself. Sure, it was the kind of fun that comes from watching an ape from another dimension ruin your reputation and insult your subjects while knowing you will deeply regret it in the near future, but... it was _fun_ nonetheless.

The waiter approached Carl and raised a hoof. "Um, sir? I'm sorry, sir?"

The young man turned around and stared for a few seconds, still not used to having to look three feet down to see who he was talking to. "Yeah? What's happenin' with you?"

The bright blue pony cleared his throat. "Um, I'm sorry, but your behavior is quite unbecoming."

Carl raised an eyebrow. "Who that?"

"Sir... y-your behavior... you... you are rude, and loud. I must ask you to calm down, sir. Else, I will-"

"What you gonna do, man? You ain't gonna do shit. They all givin' me and Celestia weird looks, man... we don't take kindly to that shit! They got a problem with us? Well, they can just speak up."

"But, sir! You do realize that you are a rather strange sight, right?"

"Man, back off. Look at you, you fuckin' goofy-lookin' bastard! Ain't no damn three feet tall horse tellin' me I'm the strange one!"

Celestia couldn't hold it anymore. She got up, strided to the waiter and spread her wings as her horn and eyes started to glow. "Yeah, fuck off, punk!"

She laughed maniacally before quickly teleported outside, having realized what she just did. Carl shrugged and looked behind him, seeing the mare's ethereal mane flowing right outside the window. He turned around, ready to leave, ignoring the waiter saying something about how he needed to pay, or something. He was starting to enjoy hanging out with that weird horse princess, and nothing was going to stop him.

On his way out, he spotted a pink alicorn entering the establishment with a large white stallion by her side. He whistled as they walked by, her rump shaking with every step. He gave it a slap and grinned. "Shit, baby, this a nice flank!"

Within a second, the white stallion had pounced him and pinned him to the ground. "This is my wife, you monkey! You better stay away from her!" he growled, baring his (flat) teeth as he pressed down on the human's arm with a front hoof.

Carl didn't know whether he was truly being overpowered, or just utterly shocked to see one of these ponies actually reacting. "Hey yo, ease up, man! Damn!" he waited for the stallion to calm down and get off him. He stood up, brushed some dust off him and walked outside, clutching his arm. "Fuck! Goddamn crackers, man."

Looking around, he saw Celestia winking at him from the corner of a nearby alleyway.

"You there? What you went away for, man? I nearly got my ass beat by this pink-pony-fucking punk."

She chuckled, having seen everything. "That 'pink-pony-fucking punk' is Shining Armor, captain of the royal guard, and husband of Princess Cadance."

"Aw, fuck! I didn't know that, for real, I swear!"

"I know... That's quite alright, Carl, really." she walked up to him and smiled. "So, I told you I had something for you..." she unfurled her wings for the second time in the evening. "Want a ride?"


	8. Celestia's Last Flight

"Say what now?" Carl asked in disbelief, his eyes wandering on the alicorn's slender frame. She was barely five and a half feet tall, and probably weighed less than a hundred and fifty pounds. '_Man, she lookin' skinny as a motherfucker, how she gonna lift me?_' he thought.

Celestia's warm smile did little to reassure him. "I promise you, it will be fun." she said, conjuring up and levitating a strange object in front of the human. "Take this."

"Yo, what is this?"

"It's a little... novelty item. Weaponized alicorn magic."

"Weaponized magic? How the hell does that work, man? And is this thing a horn?"

"Yes. Yes, it is. It's a replica of mine." the mare said, blushing slightly. "Do you like it?"

He would never admit it to anyone but himself, but Carl was strangely drawn to the long, phallic object. He had been somewhat obsessed with horns ever since he arrived in Equestria, and even a fake, metallic one seemed to have that effect on him. It was starting to trouble him, deeply.

"Yeah, this is a nice horn, I guess. How does it work?"

"It is pretty simple." she said, pointing a hoof at a small red button protruding out of the disembodied horn. "Make sure you have a firm grasp on it, and press this button. It will unleash a beam of magical energy from its tip. While it is a pretty simple and basic offensive spell, being powered by alicorn magic makes it _very_ dangerous."

"Man... whatever, this shit's still better than Emmet's."

"Come on, Carl. Get on my back, and you will see for yourself just how powerful this thing can be."

Carl hesitated for a few seconds and reluctantly climbed onto Celestia's back, the white mare straining under his weight.

"You alright, Princess?"

"I... I think so. How much do you weigh, Carl?"

"Shit, I don't know! Like, two hundred or somethin'?"

"Oh... we'll be fine." she said in a reassuring tone, before spreading her wings. Carl's left hand was wrapped around her neck, and his legs were dangling behind her wings. His right hand was holding onto the horn, thumb hovering above the button.

"You sure this shit is safe? I don't wanna fall off, man!"

"Don't worry, just hold onto me tightly." she said, a smirk forming on her face. "Very tightly..."

"What we doin'? Where we goin'? What we- SHIT, WOAH, MAN, FUCK!" Carl screamed as Celestia flapped her wings, propelling the both of them about ten feet into the air.

"We're going to do ourselves a little fly-by."

"What the fuck's a fly-by?"

"According to my sister, it must be the equivalent of what you call a 'drive-by'."

Carl's eyes lit up as they wandered onto the grooves running along the metal horn he had in his hand. "Shit! For real?"

"For real." the alicorn replied in a playful tone. "Now, get ready... we're gonna pop these motherfuckers!"

* * *

"Keep your white ass steady, man! I don't wanna die!"

"Whatever you say. Do you see the large dark green structure down there?"

"I'd have to be fucking blind not to see it!" Carl said, pointing the horn at the giant structure, seemingly embedded into the side of a mountain. "Motherfucker's larger than your damn castle!"

"Precisely! Which is why it must be destroyed. On my mark... get ready!"

"What do I do? Blast it?"

"Three..."

"Celestia, what the fuck are we even doing?"

"Two..."

"Ah, fuck it." the young man gently pressed his thumb against the red button, ready to push it as he aimed the 'weapon' towards what seemed to be his target. He wasn't sure this would be any fun, but he couldn't bring himself to tell Celestia to leave him alone. Besides the obvious fact blasting shit with magic beats kissing creepy ponies any day... he didn't know her all that well, but he knew that he was having a really particular effect on her. He was way too proud of that to do anything that could put an end to it. Royalty bowing down to him, and adapting to his lifestyle wasn't something he ever thought he would see, and he wanted to see it last.

Just a little bit longer...

"One..."

"Now?"

"NOW!"

Celestia folded her wings as she dived through the purple night sky, her horn lighting up as she readied her attack. Carl simply pressed the button, and almost lost his grip on the horn as it fired a powerful beam of bright yellow light, similar to the one coming from the tip of Celestia's own horn. Both beams reached their target and created a small explosion, sending sparks everywhere and causing ripples of ethereal light to run across the surface of a previously invisible force field covering the entire structure.

Spreading her wings to slow her descent, the white alicorn tilted her body to the side and looked back to Carl, grinning. "Looks like she somehow sensed that we were coming... get ready for another strafing run, Carl! We're going around!"

"What? Did you see that green shit? I think our weapons can't touch it!"

"We just need to find another approach!"

"What? Man, I can barely hear you with all that wind!"

"We're moving too fast!"

"NO SHIT! Slow down, damn! I think I got a plan!"

Listening to her 'rider', Celestia slowed down as she descended into a deep forest surrounding the area. Once they were out of sight, she hovered a few feet above the ground and turned back to Carl. "A plan, huh? What is your plan?"

"I don't know exactly, how does that green thing work?"

"It's a very simple force field, basically a shield. It requires a lot of energy to cast, but it's a self-sustaining spell. It draws magic from itself."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"Once it's up, it will stay up until it's destroyed, or removed by whoever cast it. It can regenerate itself when damaged, and when under attack, the shield will draw energy from the areas that are _not_ under attack. It will use that energy to reinforce the area being attacked, but it will eventually break if it stays under attack long enough. Once it has used all of its surrounding energy without enough time to regenerate it, it will simply shut down and dissolve."

Carl took a few seconds to process the new informations. Magic was so strange and foreign to him, yet pretty interesting...

He had no idea why Celestia wanted to destroy that large structure, but he never really cared about the reasons behind what he was doing when working for someone. Whenever he was asked to kill, destroy and blow shit up, he always did it without ever really knowing _why_ he was doing it. And he never really cared, either.

Not that he was _working_ for Celestia, but...

"So the more we attack it, the more magic it uses to block the shit we throw at it?"

"Yes."

"How long until it runs out of energy if we keep sprayin' it?"

"Three hours... maybe four."

"Shit! And when it's focusing its energy on one area to block our attacks, does that weaken the rest of the thing that ain't bein' attacked?"

"Um... yes."

"So why don't you focus your attacks on one side, and once it's starting to drain energy from the other side, I blast a hole in the motherfucker?"

Mentally scolding herself for not having thought of that first, Celestia smiled. "That's not really a fly-by anymore but... that's a great plan nonetheless. Let's go!"

"Hey yo, drop me on top of that tree right here! I can get a clear shot from there. You go around and spray that shit!"

"No, Carl. I can't risk it, you'll be within range in case of a counterattack."

"So what you suggest?"

"You see that mountain over there?"

Carl's eyes widened. "What? That shit is like three miles away!"

"So? Are you afraid your aim might not be good enough?" Celestia smirked. She was starting to learn how Carl worked, and how to push his buttons. She was never the manipulative type, but she was glad she was _finally_ starting to figure him out.

"Bitch, I'm a crack shot! Let's do the damn thing!" the young man bellowed, a look of determination on his face. He tightened his grip on the horn as well as around Celestia's neck as she started to rise into the air once again.

Suddenly, a green flash from below startled the two of them as Celestia swerved to the side, narrowly avoiding a beam of energy.

"What the fuck was that?"

"Oops! I think she knows we're here! Well, this ought to be interesting." the princess said, gaining altitude.

Carl was starting to feel uneasy. If he weren't flying two hundred feet in the air at over fifty miles an hour, he would have had to wipe the sweat off his brow. As long as he knew what he was up against, he never felt fear. He never had any trouble defying the odds and going loud in the most dangerous and unlikely situations he could have ever gotten himself into... but _this_ was totally foreign, and he had little to no control over it.

For the first time in his life, Carl was feeling fear.

"What the fuck do I do? Do I shoot back?"

"Can you see her?"

"See who?"

"Chry-" another green beam of light ripped through the night sky, searing through Celestia's left wing. She let out a pained scream as her body tilted to the side, quickly losing altitude as the smell of burnt skin and feathers started permeating the air.

"FUCK! CELESTIA! YOU OKAY?" Carl screamed, frantically waving his metal horn towards the ground, ready to fire at whatever was attacking them.

Before the alicorn could answer, a third green flash illuminated the sky as another laser hit her right in the side. Carl fired his horn instinctively, and the surge of polarly opposed magical energies created a large fireball, causing him to lose his grip on Celestia.

When the smoke cleared, he could only stare in a mix of awe and shock at the white mare's body slowly falling out of the sky, his own body making its way downward through the cold night air, and towards the hard, rocky ground. The clouds became increasingly distant as Carl started to realize exactly what was happening...

"I HATE GRAVITY!" was the last sound that rang through the air before his body slammed onto a rock at near terminal velocity, all of his bones shattering on impact in a pool of crimson liquid.

* * *

"Aw, man! My fucking head!" Carl whined, rolling on his side. Where the fuck was he? Was he back home? Was this all a dream?

Opening his eyes, he let out a deep sigh at the sight of the cartoon-ish, excessively green grass surrounding the area, and on which a white equine was standing, looking down at him.

"Who are you?" the creature asked.

"Man, fuck! Where in the fuck am I?"

The pony pointed a hoof behind Carl. The young man turned around to see a large building with a banner reading 'Ponyville General Hospital'. Below the banner was a sign sporting a white cross against a red background with four bright pink hearts on it. A similar sign was etched on the white pony's flank.

"Aw, fuck..." suddenly, Carl remembered the events that led him to being wasted for the first time in months. "OH, SHIT! Celestia! Is she alright?"

Nurse Redheart raised an eyebrow at the strange creature who had just appeared in front of the hospital a few minutes earlier. "Princess Celestia? Who are you? Haven't you heard?"

"Heard what?"

"Princess Celestia and Princess Luna... they have been captured and imprisoned by our new ruler."

"What? How? Captured? New ruler? Nigga, what the fuck is this bullshit?"

"I..." the white pony wasn't really scared of the (visibly shaken) strange creature using strange and profane language, but she wasn't sure whether she could trust him or not. After all, she had never seen such a being, and changelings were known for their shapeshifting abilities. "_What_ are you?"

"I'm a human, but why the fuck do you care? What is this shit you talkin' about, man? Who's the new princess?"

"Queen." Redheart corrected, glancing towards the distant side of the mountain upon which rested Canterlot. "Queen Chrysalis."

"I don't even know who the fuck that is! Where's the princess bein' held up?"

"Um... I don't know? Only Chrysalis and her minions would know..."

"Fuck! When did that shit happen?"

"About a week ago..."

"WHAT?" Carl screamed in disbelief. "It took you motherfuckers an entire week to fix me up? Goddamn! In San Andreas, they do that shit in twelve hours!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Nothing, c'mon, get your ass outta here! I gotta go find her."

"You..." she trailed off as Carl got up and started walking away. "Wait!"

The young man turned back and raised an eyebrow. "What?"

Redheart reached for something in her saddlebag and gave it to Carl. "I found this on the ground, lying next to you. I assume it's yours... whatever it is."

"For real? Thanks, man! This shit's gonna be useful." he said, grabbing the long metallic object and walking away as the white pony entered the hospital. '_Back in San Andreas, they'd have stripped me off this motherfucker..._' he thought, holding onto the horn-gun. A smile formed on his face as his thumb hovered above the red button.

It looked like he had just received his first real mission in Equestria.

* * *

Sitting in the grass, in the middle of Ponyville's town square, Carl pumped a proud fist into the air as he finished writing his checklist. He didn't know what he was up against exactly, and he didn't want to take any chances. It didn't take him long to come up with a plan, and writing it down seemed like the sensible thing to do.

After all, he had suffered from a severe concussion. Hitting the ground at nearly a hundred miles an hour after a several hundred feet freefall always had that effect on him, no matter how many times it happened. Perhaps a week had given him enough time to 'heal up', but he still prefered writing things down.

He got up and smiled at his flawless plan, reading it one last time.

**GETTING CELESTIA'S 'HOOD BACK IN 10 EASY STEPS - BY CARL JOHNSON**

1 - Go to Twilight Sparkle's place

2 - Insult her and punch her in the face for various reasons

3 - Ask her everything there is to know about that Chrysalis bitch

4 - Get some backup, especially Applejack and her brother

5 - Kill a few of Fluttershy's chickens and fry them (shit, I'm hungry)

6 - Go to Canterlot on foot, the train must be swarming with pigs

7 - Reach the castle without being seen (only hard part)

8 - Go loud and spray everything in sight with magic shit

9 - Kick the throne room door open and torture- rape- anally rape- throatfuck- kill Chrysalis

10 - Free the princesses

Still smiling, Carl made his way through Ponyville, and eventually found himself in front of the Golden Oaks library. He knocked on the door and waited.

And waited.

And waited...

And kicked the door clean off its hinges.

"TWILIGHT! YOU IN HERE, GIRL?"

A very angry Twilight Sparkle teleported in front of him. "Back off! Back off or I'll shoot!" she threatened, aiming her horn at him.

By now, Carl was really unimpressed by this mare's surprisingly unstable and violent behavior. "C'mon man, you trippin'. You gon' set shit on fire again if you don't calm yo' ass down." he said, picking her up and placing her on a nearby table as if she were an object.

Her eyes lit up in realization. "Carl! It's you! It's really you!"

"No shit?"

"I'm sorry, I thought... I thought you were a changeling!" she said, looking down bashfully.

"A what? What the hell's a changeling?"

Twilight raised an eyebrow, giving him a '_blimey m8 u fkn wot_' kind of look. "Those creatures who took over Equestria... Carl... where were you during last week's events? I haven't seen you in... a week."

"I was gettin' fixed up, man! Y'all have some slow ass doctors, I'm telling you. Took 'em a week."

"What happened to you?" the mare asked, a hint of worry in her voice.

"I fell."

"Oh. Wait a minute... You were with Princess Celestia the night she was assaulted and captured! Weren't you?"

"Yeah." Carl said in a flat tone. "She thought it was a good idea to fly with me on her back and go blast on something. We got hit by some green laser shit. Plucked her ass right out of the sky, and mine along with it. I fell like two hundred feet."

"You... what, I... you... WHAT?" she screamed, her eyes widening beyond what should be physically possible.

She has special eyes.

"How did you survive?"

"Two hundred feet, man! I didn't survive, I fucking died."

"You... died?"

"Jeah."

"...ooooookay." she 'replied', her left eye twitching heavily.

"So what's the plan? I mean, I made a quick plan myself to go and kill that bitch, but I could use some backup, especially to free Celestia. I can find my way around Ponyville but that's all, I wouldn't know where the fuck to look if she ain't in the castle."

Twilight's face dropped as she looked away. "We... we can't do _anything_ to free her. It's over, Chrysalis won."

"Over? Man, I ain't even started fightin' yet."

"You can't fight her, Carl."

"Why the fuck not?"

"She... she has rendered the Elements of Harmony useless by feeding off the very source of their powers..."

Carl sat down on at the table on which Twilight was standing. "That don't mean I can't kick her ass! And what's that source of power you talkin' about?"

"Our friendship."

"Your friendship? She's feedin' off your friendship? What the fuck does that even mean?"

"Changelings feed on emotions. They draw their power and energy from that. We always believed love to be the strongest emotion for them to feed upon... but friendship seems to be much, much stronger. Her drones are stronger than she used to be, and _she_ is practically invincible now..."

"Man, what the fuck."

"I'm sorry, Carl. There's nothing anypony could have done..." Twilight said sadly, her eyes watering. "Princess Celestia shouldn't have done whatever it is you two were doing that night... but I can't blame her. Or you. You were just having fun, right?" she said, beginning to tear up.

"I guess... shit." Carl looked around, trying to find something encouraging to tell the purple unicorn. Suddenly, something clicked in his mind. "Wait."

"What?" she asked, raising her head and wiping a tear off her cheek.

"Friendship ain't even a fucking emotion!"

"B-but... but they can feed on it!"

"FUCK THIS SHIT!" Carl screamed as he got up, flipping the table over as Twilight managed to teleport out of the way before it crushed her. He turned his nigga moment dial from '_white boi_' to '_50% nigga_' and gave the mare a stern look. "Now it's time you motherfucking horses get real, and listen to a brother. I have experience in that shit, and we're gonna do this thing _my_ way. You got that?" he said in an unnecessary loud voice, pulling out a small piece of paper and giving it to Twilight.

Unable to resist Carl's leadership and (moderately) powerful niggatry, Twilight sighed. After all, nothing _anypony_ tried so far came even close to being a viable plan. Whatever he could have come up with couldn't possibly be worse.

She frowned as she read through his 'checklist', trying to remain calm. "I'm just going to ignore steps two and five."

"Man, step five was the best of 'em all."

"Whatever... what is step eight about? The most powerful unicorns have barely enough energy remaining to levitate small objects! Princess Cadance and I can teleport, but that's only because we're princesses. At least she is... but I should totally be a princess. And anyway, how do you plan on, I quote, spraying everything in sight with magic shit?"

"Simple," Carl said as he pulled the metallic horn out of his pants, "with this bad motherfucker.".

Twilight levitated the object, examinating it as she raised an entire army of eyebrows. "What in Celestia's name is this?"

"She gave it to me that night... she said it was weaponized alicorn magic. It can shoot lasers and shit. It's kinda fun."

"Weaponized..." she trailed off, her eyes wandering on a nearby bookshelf. "Stay here! Don't move, stay here! I'll be right back!" she said quickly before teleporting upstairs.

* * *

_Nine minutes and thirty-seven seconds later..._

As Carl was starting to wonder where Spike was, Twilight teleported back into the room with a pile of books. Carl grabbed one, titled '_Everything you ever wanted to know about Changelings - but were afraid to ask_', and started flipping through the pages absent-mindedly.

"I heard about weaponized magic back when I was a little filly! We can use that! Chrysalis probably doesn't expect _anypony_ to make a move on her anymore. She would probably be vulnerable to a potential attack right now."

"That was my plan." Carl stated flatly, raising an eyebrow at what he was reading. Changelings are smaller than most ponies and rely on magic? That shouldn't be too hard.

"But I... we're gonna need backup!"

"Yeah, I said that like twenty minutes ago, man. You still trippin'... c'mon, damn! You was born trippin' or what?"

Ignoring his 'comment', Twilight brushed a strand of her disheveled mane out of her eyes with a hoof. "Right... right. Anypony in mind?"

"For sure. Even if your elemental things don't work anymore and shit, I thought we could always use Applejack and her brother. She keeps it real, and the dude's stronger than a motherfucker."

"That... that's still only four of us. And what are we gonna do against an entire army? There are thousands of them, everywhere, and many of them are disguised as ponies! And even if we make it to Canterlot undetected, how are we gonna enter the castle? How are we gonna fend off dozens and dozens of changeling guards? How are we gonna find Chrysalis? How are we gonna-"

Carl clamped her mouth shut with a hand. "Look, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it, a'ight? One step at a time."

"But I... I don't know, I'm... I'm scared."

"Look, man. Lemme tell you some'." he said calmly. "Y'know, the first time I arrived in that town, I saw strange creatures everywhere and shit. I wasn't really scared, but I was like, '_goddamn, I hope they don't see me as a threat and begin to swarm my ass, 'cause if they do, I'm a dead motherfucker_'. I ain't never been any good at fighting large groups bare handed. But a few days later, when we was goin' to the castle, you remember how I fucked 'em guards up? About ten of 'em, and I didn't even break a sweat."

"Yes, I remember... but what does that have to do with anything?"

"They was slippin', man... but they weren't unicorns."

"So?"

"So unlike changelings, they could have hurt my ass! See that shit?" he 'asked', pointing a finger at the book in front of him. "According to the shit I readin' right there, changelings are smaller than stallions and rely on magic. I'm immune to that shit, and I'm twice their size! What the fuck they gonna do when I roll through? Throw shoes at me?"

"What's a shoe? And why are you telling me all this?"

"Man... this shit simple. Listen, before I tried, I was scared of having to do somethin' I thought I couldn't do, but in the end I had no problem at all handlin' it. This is gonna be the same for you, you know? You scared and shit, but it's gonna be easy for yo' ass. You said the most powerful unicorn, and they just a bunch of small ass insect motherfuckers! I'm sure you can take on twenty of 'em at once if you want. Celestia ain't perfect, but if she chose you as her personal student, it ain't for nothin'! You _gotta_ be strong enough! She trusts you to be."

"I... I really don't know, Carl. What if-"

"Quit asking so many fucking questions, man! This ain't a 'what if' situation, we ain't even sure what's _really_ goin' on out there... we're just gonna go in and do what we gotta do, a'ight? We'll deal with these details when we get to 'em. But we'll still need some backup. We're gonna need some ponies who keep it real, and a few fast ass pegasuses."

"I suppose you're right... we don't have a choice, and there is no way to know what we'll be up against." the mare said, determination slowly replacing her worried expression. The young man was right, Princess Celestia herself had chosen her as her personal student and protégée, so she obviously trusted her. There was no way Twilight would ever let her mentor down.

"One thing, though... why would we need _pegasi_?"

"Because we're gonna need a diversion. If they can fly around and shit, they'll keep the other motherfuckers busy while we sneak in and take 'em out. 'Know what I'm sayin'?"

"I'm really not sure, Carl... apart from Rainbow Dash, I don't think any pegasus in town would be up to the task. Besides, I don't think you realize how changelings work. Hivemind, strength in numbers... we're not talking about a few guards here and there. There will be _hundreds_ of them, _everywhere_! Even the Wonderbolts themselves wouldn't be able to cause a lasting diversion against an entire swarm! Changelings can fly too, you know? _You_ may be immune to magic, but pegasi aren't!"

"I know it's suicide, but what else we gonna do, man? I ain't gonna be lettin' no punk ass changeling bitch take over no kingdom, man! Even if it means I have to go in there and kill that son of a bitch all by myself."

Twilight sighed again. "I won't let you go all by yourself, Carl... we'll be there with you. But it's still foolish and awfully dangerous."

"I know, but that's usually the case for everything I do."

"If you say so... so, you're going to need me, Applejack, Big Macintosh, Rainbow Dash and... that's all?"

"I don't know, man! Who else can we get? I don't know many ponies, you know."

"Well... I'm sure Lyra would agree to help, but I don't think _you_ would agree to let her help."

"No way, man! She's fuckin' creepy."

"I thought so."

"Where's Spike? Can't we use him to send shit to Celestia? Tellin' her she ain't got nothin' to worry about, we comin' for her white ass."

"Spike is working at Sugarcube Corner. He's watching over the Cakes' kids. Ever since that night with Rarity and Applejack... well, there's no other place in town where mares don't swarm all over him."

CJ winced at the implication. "What the fuck, man."

"I know... if I hadn't raised him myself, I think I would-"

"STOP!" CJ screamed. "I don't wanna fucking hear this shit, man! When's he comin' back?"

Twilight regained her composure and took a quick glance at the clock. "In- uh... he should have been there three minutes ago."

"Well, he's probably on his way then."

As if on cue, the door opened and Spike walked in, his face covered in dried tears and pink frosting.

"SPIKE!" Twilight shrieked, rushing to the poor dragon. "What happened?"

"Pinkie... she... she got me, Twilight!"

Twilight's worried expression turned into one of annoyance. "Again?"

"Yeah..." he said sadly. "I hate mares so much."

CJ looked at Spike, and flashed him one of his usual ghetto signs. "Wassup, man? You been gettin' some pussy, dude?"

"I don't want to get no pussy!" Spike said in a dramatic fashion, though sounding like he was far more annoyed than actually troubled.

"Why? You a faggot or somethin'?"

"No! I'm a kid! Sex is boring!"

"Whatever you say, man... Look, we need to send a letter to Celestia."

"No, I can't. Chrysalis will intercept it..."

"For real? Shit."

"Actually..." Twilight trailed off, nudging Carl's leg with a hoof. "We could write it with invisible ink... even if it doesn't reach Princess Celestia, whoever intercepts it will be unable to read it."

"Cool, let's do this then." CJ said enthusiastically, prompting Spike to grab a nearby quill and a piece of scroll.

* * *

Queen Chrysalis smiled as she relaxed in her throne. _Her_ throne.

How could have she gone so long without thinking about it? Friendship... the power it holds! It truly is magic.

Whatever that strange creature on Celestia's back was, it slowed her down enough...

Under normal circumstances, alicorns can fly faster than even the fastest of pegasi, and Chrysalis knew she would never have had a chance at hitting her, especially from the ground. But even with their impressive physical strength, alicorns are still subject to the laws of physics, and thus cannot fly anywhere near as fast when carrying a tall, bulky ape on their back. She was a sitting duck- or in this case, a _flying_ duck.

And whatever that creature was, it had no wings and couldn't have survived the fall.

She had finally won. Changelings could finally rule Equestria. Fucking with irony as she bit into a large piece of Swiss cheese, Chrysalis raised an eyebrow at one of her elite drones bursting through the double door, a piece of scroll in hoof.

"My Queen! We have a problem!"

"What is it, minion? Speak."

"We... I intercepted this in front of Celestia's cell. I-I think you should read this, my Queen..."

"Fine. Get out." she said, levitating the scroll to her face as her minion scurried away.

Dear Princess Celestia,

She stopped reading long enough to avoid choking on her cheese, before bursting in laughter. The old invisible ink trick? Really?

What kind of ignorant fools was Celestia counting on to help her in times of need?

She wiped a tear off her cheek and kept reading.

It's yo' boy Carl. Look man, I know we been beefin' and shit, and I'm a still a little pissed at you, but you a nice girl, and I ain't gonna let shit happen to you. I know you ain't dead, and I swear we'll take back your kingdom and your castle. Me and the boys, we're gonna come for you and your sister... Those insect motherfuckers are as good as dead.

You don't worry about a thing, you just hold on tight, girl. Grove Street OG's are about to rain down an ungodly fucking firestorm upon 'em motherfuckers. I'm talkin' scorched Earth.

Chrysalis and her army are going _down_.

Your somewhat faithful, whatever the fuck you wanna see me as, Carl.

The Queen shifted uncomfortably in her throne as she read the next part.

Dear Queen Chrysalis,

I guess you're probably thinking, '_yo, who the fuck is that punk, thinking he can fuck with my shit?_'.

Well, I'm the motherfucker you blasted off Celestia's back. Yeah, I know what you was up to, nigga. While _I_ did... I can guarantee _you_ ain't gonna be gettin' out of this shit alive. Bitch, you better barricade yo' ass and count yo' holes, 'cause Grove Street's comin' to rip you another few.

Your highly unfaithful, soon-to-be murderer, Carl 'CJ' Johnson.

PS: If you do _anything_ to Celestia, I'll spare your life and hang your fucking squirming, hole-ridden body in the middle of Ponyville for all stallions to use as a public fleshlight.

PS2: I'll even convince Spike to have a go at it. And he's packin' a double barrel.

PS3: Chrysalis, this is Spike. I'm sorry, but Carl won't manage to convince me. I will _not_ have sex with you. It's nothing personal, though. You're far more attractive than a pony, don't worry. Shut up, Carl! No, I won't do it, I told you! What? No, I'm not still writing- oh SHIT

Chrysalis let out an anguished scream as she turned the letter to ashes in a fit of rage. Her anger quickly died out, being slowly replaced by a deep, gut-wrenching feeling of dread. That creature survived the fall, knew Celestia well enough to be informal with her, and had his 'boys' to back him up?

While she was perfectly aware of her superiority, Chrysalis knew whoever - or _what_ever - wrote this, represented a real threat. If not only by the fact they clearly expected the letter to be intercepted at some point...

Not feeling so confident anymore, she quickly rose from her throne with the strong intent to gather her entire army, and come up with new plans.

**Author's Note:**

I finally found a way to turn this story into an actual GTA crossover, and not a 'GTA protagonist in Equestria' kind of thing. It's gonna get far less serious from now on, but also more serious at the same time.

Or perhaps at different times.

Who the fuck knows.


	9. Los Vengadores

Twilight Sparkle was nervously pacing around in her library, waiting for Spike and Carl to finish with the human's plan. She really didn't think it would work, but it was worth a shot... The young man seemed like he was truly willing to fight. For them or for himself, she didn't know, but she didn't care.

She couldn't possibly tell him _not_ to fight, and although the odds of him succeeding were close to zero, who knew... maybe his strange human customs and his unpredictability would turn the tide in their favor.

So far he had proven to be more obnoxious than helpful overall, but in times like these, the purple unicorn couldn't care less. At this point, he was the only hope she, and all of Equestria, had.

In her bedroom, the little dragon was finishing up, signing and sending the letter to Celestia. He didn't know many of the words Carl used, and he was really hoping he had managed to spell them correctly... he had always been _great_ at spelling.

The perks of being raised by a nerd and all.

"Man, this green fire shit is cool. Why you can't breathe this on 'em changeling punks?"

"I don't know, Carl, I just... I'm too young, I guess. Dragons live hundreds of years, I'm still a baby... well, in _some_ aspects."

"I can't believe you gettin' genuinely pissed at gettin' pussy, man!"

"Spike! Carl! Are you done yet?" Twilight called from behind the door.

"Yeah, don't trip. We comin'."

The door opened and a goofy-looking Carl walked out, followed by a giggling Spike.

"C'mon man, I ain't that funny!"

"I don't know, but I soooo wanna see Chrysalis' face if she reads it!"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "So, Carl, what do you suggest we do next?"

"I don't know, I was thinkin'... what's up with these Elements of Harmony things you been talkin' about?"

"As I told you, Chrysalis has rendered them completely useless, so that's not an option..."

"Yeah, but what about the ponies themselves? You said you and your friends were the bearers of the Elements. They liabilities or what?"

"No! They're the best friends a pony could ever wish for!"

"Yeah, but they any useful? Like, you can count on 'em?"

"Yes, they're great friends!"

"That ain't what I meant... whatever. They okay? I didn't see no changelings in Ponyville, but they don't _all_ live here, do they?"

"Don't worry, they're all okay. Fluttershy is scared, and Pinkie Pie has tripled her sugar consumption, but Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Rarity are fine."

"Can they help us?"

"I don't know... we fought changelings before, but this is different..."

"Whatever, forget it." Carl sighed, knowing that he wouldn't get anywhere with that. "We goin' to Sweet Apple Acres, man. I need to check on AJ anyway, haven't seen her ass in a week."

Twilight smiled. "Do you like her, Carl?"

Oblivious to her implication, Carl returned the smile. "Jeah... she a good girl, man, she's down-to-Earth, she keeps it real. We gonna need her, I'm tellin' you."

"Alright, fine. Let's go then." Twilight said, levitating a small saddlebag on her back. "Carl, keep the alicorn horn. You're gonna need it, I have those books about reprogramming and enchanting weaponized magic to use more advanced spells, I will read them while you and Applejack do whatever it is you're going to do."

"We ain't gonna do shit, man. Just talkin'."

"I'll read them while you're talking, then." she turned around, smiling at her number one assistant. "Spike, you're guarding the library. You remember the protocol, right?"

The young drake looked down, letting out a heavy sigh. "Yeah, Twi... but really, I'm not too keen on doing it with changelings..."

"I told you a hundred times already, Spike. Sexual stimulation is the only sure-fire way to disrupt their hivemind."

"Twilight, you a fuckin' crazy bitch, man." Carl interjected. "Why you forcin' the lil' fella to bone everythin'? He's too young for that shit!" he said, exasperated. He then turned towards Spike, and kneeled down to his level. "Look, man. Any changeling come snoopin' around? You knock the motherfucker out, tie his ass up and throw him in the basement. And if he's any trouble, you pour a few beers down his gullet. Scrawny insect fucks can't possibly handle their liquor too well."

Spike smiled and nodded while Twilight frowned in disapproval.

"Carl, you-"

"Shut the fuck up, horse."

Startled by his own reaction, Carl mentally scolded himself and turned his nigga dial back to '_just chillin'_'.

"My bad, Twilight. I meant, let's go, girl."

The mare carefully raised an eyebrow. "Uh... okay?"

"Goddamn! I swear, I'mma need to get yo' ass laid someday."

* * *

Knocking on the barn door, Carl sighed as he looked back towards the beautiful orchard. He wouldn't have minded growing up here... why couldn't there be such beautiful sights in San Andreas?

"Applejack! You in here, man? It's me!"

"What? Who is this?" a raunchy voice called from inside the wooden structure.

"It's CJ, man! C'mon, open the door!" he said, knocking again. "I'm with Twilight, we need to talk to you!"

The door opened almost instantly, a disheveled Applejack standing in front of the young human who recoiled at the sight (and the smell).

"Man, what the fuck you was doin' in there? It smells funny..."

"Ah, uh..." before Applejack could finish, Carl caught a glimpse of a white unicorn mare lying on her back in a stack of hay.

"Okay, okay, I don't wanna know. Let's get the fuck outta here, I don't even wanna smell that shit."

"Applejack!" Rarity called.

"Man, c'mon! Just finish it yourself! We got business to take care of."

"You ugly, uncouth, disgusting... _thing_!" the purple-maned fashionista spat, her hate for Carl increasing by the second even after not having seen him for a week straight.

"Whatever you say, bitch."

"Carl! Ah'd appreciate it if y'all didn't call mah marefriend a bitch."

He raised an eyebrow at the orange pony. "Oh yeah? And I'd appreciate it if you'd stop thinkin' with your pussy and started helping a nigga out!" he said, looking towards the distant city of Canterlot. "Now look, we gonna launch a full scale assault on that Chrysalis bitch, and we gon' need all the help we can get. You in?"

"Are ya outta your mind, Carl?"

"I'm in a fucked up land full of three feet tall pastel horses who can fly, use telekinesis and blast on each other with fucking laser beams! 'The fuck you thinkin'? I stopped worryin' about my mind the day I got here, man."

Applejack closed the barn door, attempting to drown out Rarity's shrieking about 'that disgusting ape', 'that nerdy purple cunt' and 'her recessing orgasm'.

"Why would ya ask _me_ to help, Carl? Ah'm just an Earth pony, tryin' to get by... Ah'm not a hero. Ah saved the day with my friends a few times, but without the Elements Ah'm not gonna do much..."

"You're a good pony, AJ, I told you already. You keep it real, unlike most of 'em motherfuckers. You're valuable, and I need you to help us free Celestia and end this shit once and for all, that's all." he said solemnly. "So... you my nigga?"

"You... you really think I'm _valuable_?"

"Yeah... you may stick your plastic horse dick in crazy, but seriously now, you a good pony, and I'mma need you for this shit, man. For real."

Applejack blushed profusely, trying to hide behind her hat. "Ah don't know... Ah mean, of course I'll help ya, but... it sounds awfully dangerous."

"It is, but that's we gotta do, you know? That shit ain't too different from gangbangin'... we go there, we fuck their shit up and get the place back under our control. I done that shit hundreds of times, and I'm tellin' you, a couple of Balla motherfuckers with AK's have _got_ to be more dangerous than thousands of 'em changeling things."

"Ah don't know what yer talkin' about, but Ah hope yer right, 'cause if ya ain't... we'll be in trouble."

"We _are_ in trouble, Applejack." Twilight chimed, raising her head from her book. "But I have good news! Carl, could you show me the horn, please? I just found a way to enchant it..." she trailed off, giving him a disturbing smirk. "With dark magic!"

"Dark magic? Shit, that sounds cool! What can it do?"

"I don't know... we'll see!"

"A'ight, here." Carl said, presenting the metallic 'weapon' to Twilight.

"Lay it down and take a few steps back." she instructed, focusing as she readied a spell.

"Ah don't know what y'all are talkin' about, but if Ah were ya, I'd be careful..." Applejack murmured to Carl. "Twilight's experimental magic ain't exactly the most reliable of things 'round here..." the young man simply shrugged.

A few seconds and two dark purple flashes later, Twilight started jumping around with a large smile plastered on her face. "I did it!"

"Watchu did, man? 'Sup with that thing now?"

"Try it, Carl! I want to see what happens!"

"Careful, sugarcube. Ah know yer immune, but we ain't."

Carl shrugged once again and grabbed the horn, aiming it towards a nearby bush. He pressed the button and recoiled backwards, feeling a sharp pain coursing through his back and forehead.

"What the fuck?"

"CARL! Are ya okay?"

"Man, what the fuck just happened?"

"I..." the color started to drain from Twilight's face as she watched in horror. She had messed up... _again_.

"MAN, WHAT THE FUCK?" Carl screamed as his hands shot up to his head, only to feel a large, protruding bone. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?" he shrieked, the large horn on his forehead violently shooting uncontrolled spurts of green energy in random directions.

"Carl! Calm down, damn it!" Applejack reared up, trying to wrestle the young man to the ground, only to grab a hoofful of air.

She watched in awe as the horned human started hovering a few feet above the ground, his gigantic dark brown wings flapping frantically.

"Carl... are y'all a princess now?"

Suddenly realizing what his body was doing, he screamed once again, trying to gain control over his new appendages. "HELP! GET THESE MOTHERFUCKERS OFF ME! AAAAAAH!"

"AAAAAAH!" a high-pitched voice came from behind him, making him freeze up and drop to the ground with a grunt.

"Pinkie?" Twilight asked in disbelief, more concerned with the fact Carl was an alicorn and not her, than with his well-being.

"Hiya, Twi! AJ! Ooooh, Carl! Princess Carl, the legendary Alicorn of the Streets! How's the 'hood, doe?"

"...I wanna go home, man." Carl sighed sadly, somehow managing to fold his wings _and_ to ignore Pinkie's antics.

"But, but... your subjects need you!" the party pony replied, confused.

Walking up to the fake horn lying on the ground, Applejack pressed the red button with a hoof, and the human screamed once again, his body reverting back to normal with a cartoon-ish '_pop!_'.

"Shit!" he said happily, feeling his forehead with a hand as he looked at the country mare. "Man, you saved my ass! Shit, I love you, man." he pulled her into a crushing bear hug.

"Easy there now, Carl. Ah just... Ah didn't know it'd do that, but Ah wanted to try an' help you."

"Damn... I didn't wanna be no princess, man! Shit's scary." he sighed again, turning to Twilight. "What the fuck you did to that thing, man?" he grabbed the horn and frowned, waiting for a (satisfying) answer.

"I... I may have read the wrong paragraph. I enchanted it with... uh..."

"With what?" Applejack asked in apprehension.

"It's draconequus magic, silly." Pinkie said, grabbing the horn and pressing the button with her tail, a pair of pink breasts popping up from between her forelegs. "Ooooh! What is this? What is this? It looks like fun!"

She pressed the button again, and her body reverted back to normal. She frowned, a dejected expression on her face. "Not cool."

Twilight raised a hoof. "Um... everypony? Pinkie is right. I did enchant it with draconequus magic..."

"Is it bad?" Carl asked.

"Not really, but..."

"IS IT BAD?" the young man repeated much louder, his patience wearing thin.

"Um, well. To put it simply, it is _far_ more powerful than alicorn magic, but we can't control it. It's chaotic by nature." she said, flipping through the pages of another book. "Apparently, pressing the button a second time will always cancel out the first effect, but... I don't think we can use it. It's too random."

"More random than me?" Pinkie asked, somehow popping out of Twilight's book.

"AAAAH! the startled unicorn shrieked. "Uh... no." she said with a frown, quickly regaining her composure. "But we still can't use it."

"Shit!" Carl stood up, looking at the disembodied horn. "Can't you disenchant it or something? I liked it better when it could shoot lasers, man! Giving ponies a huge pair of titties ain't gonna do much to help us."

"I'm trying to find a counter spell..."

"How's it called, anyway? I'm gettin' a strange feelin', like there's someone out there who's tired of callin' it a metallic horn weapon thing."

"Who is it? Who is it?" Pinkie asked, pointing a hoof in a random direction. "Is it that white human over there, slamming his fingers on some black flat thingy?"

_Pinkie, goddamnit._

"...back off, man. You scarin' me."

"Don't be a meanie, Carl."

"Girls!" Twilight called out, throwing three books at a nearby changeling. "Help!"

Carl raised an eyebrow at the black insect-like creature, lazily hovering around as it dodged Twilight's books with disconcerting ease.

"Yo, wassup?" he asked, walking towards it.

The creature didn't answer, instead lunging at Carl, his body swiftly doing a U-turn in mid-air before bucking the human in the chest. Carl stoof unfazed as the black hybrid dropped to the ground, clutching its hind legs with a forehoof.

He slammed a foot on the changeling's tail, and cracked his knuckles with a bored expression. "You wanna fight me, punk?"

The poor changeling scurried away, losing half of his tail in the process. He eventually gathered enough energy to teleport away after a few seconds of struggling to take flight.

The young man let out a hearty laugh, and pointed at where the changeling bucked him. "Shit, I told you, man! These things ain't gonna do shit!"

"I..." Twilight frowned, suddenly remembering something that _maybe_, would make things easier for them. "Changelings aren't known for their physical strength..."

"Yeah, no shit..."

"But they're dangerous nonetheless!"

"I beat up grandmas who fought back harder than this, man! We got this shit, I'm tellin' you."

Carl turned around, only to be faced with a large red stallion.

"Uh... yo, wassup, man? What's crackin' witchu?"

"Eee... hum?" Big Mac 'said', confused by Carl's way to greet him. "Ah don't know. How ya doin', partner?"

"What's good?" shaking a red hoof, the human looked around, seeing Applejack walking back into the barn and closing the door. "Fucking horny ponies, man."

"Ah know." Big Mac stated flatly. "Ah'm one o' the only ponies in town who don't think with their genitals. Speakin' of which, estrus is startin' in a few days, Ah reckon a big fella like y'all should stay outta town for a while... unless yer into that kinda' thing, that is."

"Estruh... what?" Carl asked, suddenly feeling uneasy. "What you talkin' about, man?"

"Estrus." Twilight interjected, smiling. "Heat."

"Heat?"

"Yep. Heat is..." her face suddenly turned livid as realization hit her. "OH NO! Pinkie!" she shrieked, turning to the pink mare. "What are we gonna do?"

"Simple." Pinkie said with a smile, pulling a giant pink vibrator from her mane. "Want it? I got plenty more at home! I thought about throwing a-"

Carl clamped her mouth shut with a hand. "Twilight, what the fuck is this all about?"

"We... we're gonna go into estrus in a couple of days... this is bad. This is _really_ bad."

"What's up with that? What does it do?"

"It's _heat_, Carl... it gives, uh... it gives mares certain... needs." she said, locking eyes with him before looking away shamefully.

"Hey, don't look at me like that, man! C'mon, I could use some action too, it ain't nothin' to be ashamed of."

Fighting back her blush, Twilight continued her explanations. "Mares in heat tend to behave... um. Well, I don't know how to explain it to you, but we won't be of much use for _anything_ other than... than... uh..."

"Shit... when's it startin'?"

"In a few days... three or four, most likely. With all these events, I had totally forgotten about it!"

"Goddamn... we gotta do this shit tomorrow, then. We ain't got no choice."

Twilight blushed, raising a timid hoof and brushing Carl's leg. "You mean..."

"Yo, what the fuck? Get off me, man! I ain't fuckin' no horse!"

"B-but... but you said-"

"I said we need to do this shit tomorrow. I'm talkin' about goin' to Canterlot and fucking up Chrysalis, not me screwin' yo' midget ass. I ain't fucking Ryder, man."

Pinkie tapped Twilight on the withers. "What is it, Pinkie?"

"Do changelings go into estrus too?"

"Females do, why?"

"There are female changelings?"

"...yes?"

"Ooooh..."

Carl sighed and turned to Big Mac. "And what happens to us guys durin' this shit, then? We gettin' harrassed and shit by horny mares?"

"Eeyup." the red pony said, deadpanning as usual.

"But uh... males don't start feelin' like they need to hump everythin' in sight, right? Or do they?"

"Eenope."

An idea formed in Carl's mind as he stroked his goatee, thanking whatever deity blessed him with hair that not only wouldn't grow back on its own, but could be grown to any length at a moment's notice by any barber in the state of San Andreas.

"Hey, Mac... how'd you like workin' for the Families, dude?"

The red stallion shot the human an intrigued glance.

"We was plannin' on raiding the castle before estrus, but if them girls are all busy tryna get the dudes, we ain't gonna meet much resistance!"

"It's not gonna work." Twilight said, ruining the mood for everypony (and human).

"Why?"

"Changelings don't go into estrus at the same time we do. It happens monthly for them, but it was last week..." she said, trailing off. "In fact, I think that's how Chrysalis was able to overpower the princess so easily. Sexual fustration vastly increases magical power."

"Man, that's some cliché ass bullshit... but that probably explains why yo' virgin ass is so powerful." Carl replied, giving the flustered unicorn a shit-eating grin.

"Gotta go! Bye!" a voice said out of nowhere, before its owner disappeared in a pink blur.

"Man... How does she... _what_ the fuck _is_ she, Twilight?"

"I don't know... I really don't know, Carl. You shouldn't try to question Pinkie Pie. She just _is_." Twilight sighed. "And sugar only makes it worse... or better, I suppose it depends on who you ask."

Sitting down in the grass, he sighed and turned to Big Mac, who was simply standing there, apparently waiting to be dimissed. "I'm sorry, man. Go on about yo' business, I'mma find another way."

"Ah'm sorry, Ah'd have liked to help ya, but Ah have plans anyway." the stallion said. "Ah'm goin' to Las Pegasus, meetin' up with a buddy o' mine. Just don't tell Applejack..." he added, licking his lips before walking away.

"Fuck. C'mon Twilight, we need to prepare. We gotta get to Canterlot tonight and do this shit tomorrow before y'all start wanting the D."

"The dee?"

"Just follow me, man."

"But Applejack's gone!"

"She's gettin' pussy, man! We'll get her later. She a friend, you don't cockblock a friend twice in a row... that ain't what friends do."

"I wouldn't know about _that_." Twilight replied in disdain. Being a frustrated virgin certainely granted her with untold power, far beyond even her mentor's imagination, but it was tough to live at times. And especially since ten days or so...

_Fucking Spike_.

"Twilight! Twilight!" the little drake shouted.

"What?" she turned her head towards the dirt path leading out of the Apples' property, only to see a young dragon running as fast as he could with a scroll in his claws. "Spike? What are you doing here?"

Spike stopped in front of her, panting heavily as he tried to catch his breath.

"T-the pr-... the princess! Sh-... she... answered!"

"I hadn't thought of that." Carl chimed in. "We need your scaly ass to contact her, but she don't."

Snatching the letter from Spike's claws, the young man opened it and started reading through it out loud in front of a _very_ flustered Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

I do not have much time, so I will be informal.

Fucking hell! I'm scared! Goddamn cheeselegs, man! Aw, shit. I think that nigga's been rubbin' off on me, man!

...fuck.

I still hate that magic-resistant ink with a _burning_ passion.

_[clears throat internally]_

I am stuck in the crystal caves with my sister, and I am hoping that I will have enough time to finish writing this letter before the guard is done with... um... I am not sure I want to know _exactly_ what he is doing with the holes in his forelegs.

I know that you cannot possibly rescue me, however I felt something I hadn't felt in over a millennium earlier this morning, and I simply _must_ inform you of it.

I felt a strange, extremely powerful surge of life energy. It was almost as if a deceased being had been somehow brought back to life... I know that such a thing is close to impossible, but... perhaps you have a book containing information about necromancy.

But I am probably just being paranoid.

Speaking of chaos and strangeness, have you seen Carl recently? Is he all right? I don't remember much from that night... I hope nothing happened to him.

I am truly sorry, Twilight Sparkle. I have failed you, and all of Equestria... by being reckless and endangering myself for no good reason. It seems like you are on your own... I will do whatever I can to help you from my current position, but I am afraid Chrysalis' magic is far too strong for me to even _consider_ escaping.

You can reply at anytime between ten thirty and ten forty-five in the evening, as it is the only time sister and I are allowed to be left alone... there are no bathrooms in the crystal caves. Luna has been trying hard not to drop the soap, but even when restrained, my magic prevails over hers.

Poor sister~

Uh, sorry... I digress.

Once again, I am really sorry.

Oh, shit! I just felt something else! Right now!

A violent, brutal surge of chaotic magic... Damn, I hope Discord is not- OH BALLS FUCKING GUARD FAGGOT IS DONE GOTTA GO BBL

- _XOXO CELESTIA_

"Well, that sure is somethin'." Carl chuckled, oblivious to Twilight's seething rage. Nopony reads _her_ letters. _Nopony_.

"She ain't replyin'! She's contactin' us on her own... so she didn't get my letter... shit! At least, it must mean that Chrysalis got it. Bitch is gon' be real busy tryna prepare for my arrival."

"Carl... what exactly did you write on that letter?" Twilight asked, trying to contain her anger.

"I'll explain you later, Twi." Spike said, equally oblivious to her rage as he carefully eyed the human who kneeled down and grabbed an elongated, white metallic object from the ground.

Twilight grabbed the horn in her magic, yanking Carl's arm backwards. "Why did you read _my_ letter, Carl Johnson?"

"What? Man, you trippin' _again_?"

"WHY DID YOU READ _MY_ LETTER, YOU BURNT APE?"

"Hey yo, back off, you... uh... purple cracker bitch!" he said, pointing the weapon at Twilight.

"Just try it!" she screamed, readying a powerful offensive spell of her own.

"_Oh, dude!_" Spike said, pulling a bowl of popcorn from behind him as Carl pressed the red button once again. A strange, brief beeping sound echoed through the land, startling Twilight and causing her to unleash her spell, completely obliterating a blue-maned orange pegasus who just happened to fly nearby.

The lavender mare jumped and turned around, gazing at the now flattened orchard. "CAAAARL!" she shrieked, wincing as intense sunlight reflected off the gleaming metal. "WHAT IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA DID YOU JUST DO?"

"CJ! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" Spike shouted, sending half-chewed popcorn flying everywhere as he pointed a claw at the giant contraption standing before the three of them.

"...HOLY MOTHERFUCKER!" Carl screamed, his eyes lighting up as adrenaline started to flow through his veins in anticipation.


End file.
